Saturday 16 February 2013

Just say no


This woman was clearly not the greedy type, but she had another human weakness. She was caring.
                                                           
                                                Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani’s I Do Not Come to You By Chance, pg. 206


I read I Do Not Come to You By Chance over the Christmas holiday. I first heard about it from an Indian colleague of mine based in New York, and then later from another non-Nigerian colleague based here with me. This must have been about two years ago, but I only bought my copy in the last quarter of 2012. And then I left it by my bedside, ignoring it for about three months. I could’ve kicked myself when I finally did begin to read it as I thoroughly enjoyed this novel. So much so that I ordered my sister a copy so I could laugh about it, grieve over it, and discuss it to death with someone else who would really ‘get’ it. And we did exactly that.

I underlined a few sentences in the book that really struck me, such as the ones cited above. Several times during my reading of the book, I said to myself: I really need to become more street smart. I do feel like I tend to get taken advantage of far too much. In the past, I’ve wondered why I tend to get approached with all kinds of strange requests while my friends don’t. I’ve wondered what I need to do to remedy this. Should I just start ‘boning’ all the time? I tend to smile a lot and greet a lot. But that’s not something I can change easily as it’s just a part of my cultural background and upbringing. I’d really have to work extra hard to shed this natural inclination.

I have decided to simply start saying ‘no’ more often in order to balance out the ‘yes-es.’  I feel like I get such a large volume of requests because people can tell I’ll say ‘yes’ – and so they end up overlooking everyone else that they easily could’ve made the same request of. One of my friends laughs at me when I get yet another one and says: ‘How come no  one ever approaches me to ask for such things?’ How come, indeed. My sister loves to remind me that I’m a single parent of two children and need to keep that in mind when trying to ‘save the world.’

And so I have said ‘no’ at least six times this month. Not mean ‘no-s’, though. Polite ones. Like telling two people (neither of whom I know well) that I simply won’t have the time to review their grad school theses, but also reminding them that this is the role of their supervisors. Like telling someone I honestly didn’t have the funds to lend – and I didn’t. This person had never approached me for money before, though, so I felt really bad about not being able to help. But rather than consider any funds I might have had in my bank account that day (like I was tempted to), I reminded myself of the student loans I’m trying to pay off for good by the end of March. Like sending out two polite emails a minute ago to turn down invitations to do stuff (work-related, but external to my own organization) that I wasn’t interested in doing and don’t really have a whole lot of extra time for. Like not calling back the two people that ‘flashed’ me yesterday on my way home. I thought I’d call them back once I got home, but cramps got the better of me and I dozed off before I knew it, getting myself a good night’s sleep instead. Today when I remembered it, I figured if it’s really that important, they’ll send me a text message or call me. Like letting someone else know I didn't have enough space in my home for them to temporarily move into my home with their child. 

And finally, like saying ‘no’ to my children’s father a few months ago. I got a rare phone call from him and we exchanged pleasantries in a guarded fashion, with me wondering when he was going to get round to telling me what he was really calling about, and with him seeming hesitant on the other end.  

He finally explained that he was going to be receiving some sort of community service award in a few weeks.

‘Normally,’ he began carefully, ‘for these kinds of award ceremonies, the awardee is expected to attend with his umm … uh … woman.’

Okay, so this is what this is really about, I thought to myself. It was clearly difficult for him to make this request and I felt sort of bad as I formed my response in my head.

‘But I’m not your ‘woman’,’ I reminded him out loud, even though I knew he only used the term because it would’ve been out of place to say ‘wife’ instead.

‘I know. It’s just that the normal thing would be for one to come along with a woman.’

I did feel a bit bad and almost wished I could have been more ‘evolved’ not to have denied him this one thing. But I really am working hard not to allow myself to be ‘used’ by others anymore. And so I found a polite way to say no, and to remind him that we really are divorced.

Sometimes, you just need to draw the line. And people can generally tell when you haven’t. 

As Nwaubani would say, people's needs have a way of 'sharpening the sense of smell.' You'll be sniffed out and targeted before you know it. So I'm working overtime to change my scent. 



14 comments:

  1. Hi Rmj,

    Been dropping by your blog for the past few weeks and it's great to have you back.

    And indeed, one has to learn how to say no. This is a message my wife had been subtly trying to pass accross to me cos she thought people were taking advantage of my constant willingness to help & I infact decided to pay heed to this in 2013.

    Folks tend to stretch their luck too far when they see that you always accede to their demands or rarely say no. A while ago I had to ask a junior colleague why it's only me she finds it comfortable to ask for help and not others like her direct boss; and her response is that she doesn't like disturbing people (of which I am exception), that really got me thinking.

    Just yesterday I had to refuse someone who had now taken my "nice guy" approach for granted by asking me for money/help at differing times (we work in the same industry by the way & can't classify her a a needy/broke person). I sort of kept my distance for a while but decide to call to say hi on val's day and followed this up by sending her a cake as she moaned about not getting any action on cupid's day. She later called to appreciate my gesture and said she thought I had resolved to keep my distance from her in the new year, of which I responded with a grin. Next day she was at it again asking for favours. I was like, this lady doesn't get it, I know she's Igbo and likes money (in fact her name should have been prefixed with Ego-) but she should more discreet about it. I had to say No and was pretty surprised at myslef for offering a flat refusal.

    Later that day at work, a contract staff whom I had helped with part payment of her part-time university fees a while ago sent a distress message that she need money and was hungry blah blah blah. I left my desk to go see her and got seneraded with tales of how she's broke and needs to pay her final year fees in a week. I asked her why she's left it this late when she very well knew she had to pay the fees at this time. I told her this could have been managed better and it would be unfair for her to expect me to start running around for her at this point in time (something I would have done in the not-too-distant past). I gave her some money to get through the weekend and told her that i'd love to help but I travel the following week and have a couple of things to take care of myself. I wished her luck and promised to check with her when I get back (by which time I hope she would have sorted this out).

    I think I'd rather commit to helping family members with valid needs rather than random people who have now shown that their relataionship with me is based on my meeting their needs and nothing else.

    ----Demashi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Demashi, your comment had me cracking up. LOL @ ‘she doesn’t like disturbing people’!! Yeah, it’s important to be careful. I mean, I still say ‘yes’ to a lot of things, but I’m training myself to be more discerning, to consider things more carefully, and to be less impulsive whenever I feel sympathy. (Hey! What are you insinuating about Igbo women? That’s too much of a sweeping generalization!!). I think the cake was taken as an indication of your willingness to give mindlessly (so she must’ve been really shocked in the end). I’m asking myself what sort of vibe I give that sends others a similar message. I find that it’s hard to try and change who you are, but if who you are tends to invite harm, then some sort of change is definitely worth it. Thanks for coming back several times.

      Delete
  2. This is something I feel I need to learn too. I try to please a lot of people and they end up running roughshod over me. You're very brave. I find it very difficult saying no to a man if I ever loved him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I still feel a bit hesitant most times about describing myself as 'brave' ... I think maybe I'm just 'jaded' (lol). Sometimes, it all just gets 'old', if you know what I mean. I tend to be a people-pleaser, too, so it's been really fascinating to observe this year that when I do need to say 'no', the world doesn't come to a standstill, and people actually find other ways to sort themselves out. Nice blog you have there, Sugabelly.

      Delete
  3. Hi Rmj,discovered ur blog on myne whitman's blog and since then,I ve read every single post of yours.you write really well u know.anyway I wanted to ask a question and I ll really appreciate if I can get a sincere answer.is it possible by any chance that u could go back to ur husband?if u like date again and you realize that he's actually changed and all.pls reply.I really need to knw.thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Anonymous: It blows me away every time someone tells me they've read every post after stumbling upon the blog. Thanks so much. My sincere answer to your question is 'no' - LOL! (I'm practicing saying my 'no-s.') But seriously, my answer to this question has always been no, except in the early part of the first year of separation. After that, I was pretty sure, and then became absolutely sure after we'd been separated for a year or so. I think it's really special when people are able to reconcile and build a stronger marriage than they ever had, but that will not be happening in my case. I also think it's rare for that sort of reconciliation to happen when a divorce has already taken place. Before investing that sort of energy in completely dissolving a marriage, people usually tend to give it a whole lot of thought. I had 5 years to think about this and to change my mind if I needed to, so getting back together is not something that I even imagine at this stage. Now, you've made me curious about you and your question: What makes this issue in particular so important to you? Are you trying to make up your mind about something similar?

      Best wishes.

      Delete
  4. Hi RMJ: Nice to have you back. The power of saying "no". Very powerful. It puts the power back in your hands, instead of letting others have the power over you. It is such a simple thing, yet so profound, and makes all the difference in choices. They say we are our choices, and so saying no can determine the kind of people we will be tomorrow. In high school, our headteacher, one Mrs. Waithaka, used to tell "girls, just say no". but we never got it. We thought she just wanted to cut on our fun with boys, and life. But now, looking back, there are many times in my life I wish I had applied Mrs. waithaka's principles. I wish I had just said no. I am teaching my kids the power of saying no. I hope that one day they will appreciate its power.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy Belated New Year, Nzilani! Thanks for your profound comment. You're so right. Fortunately, my daughter doesn't have this 'problem,' but I do find that I have to remind my son that he doesn't need to say 'yes' when inside, his real answer is 'no.' Hey, but it's not too late for people like you and me, either. There's still plenty of life left to be lived. All the best.

      Delete
  5. Thanks for replyin Rmj.I am not tryin to make up my mind about a similar issue.but was just wondering if it was possible for u guys to get back together since he seems sorry.its a good thg that you ve found peace about your new life.all the best sis.God bless you for sharin.will come back soon for ur next post*hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww ... how thoughtful of you. I'm relieved to hear you don't have similar 'wahala.' Thanks so much for visiting and God bless.

      Delete
  6. A recovering people pleaser here too, gosh its so exhausting saying yes all the time, there are some friendships i have had to withdraw from because the people were constantly running roughshod over me..you know i have discovered same as you that the world does not stop if you say no, the people involved will still sort themselves out...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi, Jemima. It's interesting to see how many people struggle with this issue. I was just discussing the same thing with a good friend of mine this week. She was going absolutely crazy because she'd over-committed herself and wasn't getting any sleep. I stumbled upon this article on the same issue today: http://www.drlaura.com/b/How-to-Say-No/653423640878333943.html.

    Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ah, so me. For MANY years I didn't know I could even say NO. That it was allowed, and that I was capable. For a long time though after I learnt NO, I was uncomfortable in saying it, loud or quietly. It made me feel 'bad', but then I had to speak to myself, and tell myself the truth...about the intentions which made me say no. Often the fact that they were 'pure', and without malice made it easier for me,

    Nne, you're doing well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (= Such a vivid description of the process you had to go through to get to where you are now, Kitchen Butterfly. I relate very strongly to the discomfort that can come with saying no, but I seem to feel it less and less with practice.

      Delete