Sometimes, I feel like I’m about to burst. I suspect that the consequences of this feeling may be rubbing people the wrong way. I tend to feel like this in church, mainly. This need to speak my mind, to say what I really think, rather than just smile placidly, and nod, as if I have no critical thinking skills.
Yesterday, I think I was particularly eruptive as I tried to express myself during a church meeting. I’m now here trying to analyze why. I feel almost like I’m going through a ‘rebellious teenager’ phase late in life. And now that I think about it, I finally get why: I kept quiet for so long, in a bid to be the ‘perfect’ Christian wife, that now – now that I’m no longer married – I have this sub-conscious need to make up for lost time.
Today, I say most of what I say to make up for all the times I should’ve said something, all the times I could’ve said something … but chose to remain silent. I speak up now for all the times I suppressed my ‘true’ self, believing I would be rewarded for it with a glorious Christian marriage. In the process, I’m probably becoming increasingly unpopular with some. While I understand this, I’m not overly-concerned by it. I feel like the real me is being revived, dusted off, and brought out of the attic at last. This is what I used to be like before marriage: nice, but opinionated. If I had just stayed that way, maintained my authentic self, not doubted for a split second that I was ‘good enough’ just the way I was, not obscured my real self for ‘spiritual’ reasons, I would’ve warded off the wrong people from my life and attracted the right ones. A *big* lesson learned.
I’m finding it pretty liberating getting to know myself again, being pleasantly surprised to rememeber what I really used to be like, and to realize that that person never actually died. It’s also liberating not to care too much about what anyone thinks, not to have a spouse’s fragile reputation to continuously protect, not to censor myself …
Like I said, I’m like a rebellious teenager all over again!