Saturday, 31 March 2012

About to burst

Sometimes, I feel like I’m about to burst. I suspect that the consequences of this feeling may be rubbing people the wrong way. I tend to feel like this in church, mainly. This need to speak my mind, to say what I really think, rather than just smile placidly, and nod, as if I have no critical thinking skills.

Yesterday, I think I was particularly eruptive as I tried to express myself during a church meeting. I’m now here trying to analyze why. I feel almost like I’m going through a ‘rebellious teenager’ phase late in life. And now that I think about it, I finally get why: I kept quiet for so long, in a bid to be the ‘perfect’ Christian wife, that now – now that I’m no longer married – I have this sub-conscious need to make up for lost time.

Today, I say most of what I say to make up for all the times I should’ve said something, all the times I could’ve said something … but chose to remain silent. I speak up now for all the times I suppressed my ‘true’ self, believing I would be rewarded for it with a glorious Christian marriage. In the process, I’m probably becoming increasingly unpopular with some. While I understand this, I’m not overly-concerned by it. I feel like the real me is being revived, dusted off, and brought out of the attic at last. This is what I used to be like before marriage: nice, but opinionated. If I had just stayed that way, maintained my authentic self, not doubted for a split second that I was ‘good enough’ just the way I was, not obscured my real self for ‘spiritual’ reasons, I would’ve warded off the wrong people from my life and attracted the right ones. A *big* lesson learned.

I’m finding it pretty liberating getting to know myself again, being pleasantly surprised to rememeber what I really used to be like, and to realize that that person never actually died. It’s also liberating not to care too much about what anyone thinks, not to have a spouse’s fragile reputation to continuously protect, not to censor myself …

Like I said, I’m like a rebellious teenager all over again!


  1. I completely agree with you. Ladies need to put a voice to their emotions and not supress it, that is when we can get healed. We need to deal with situations with the wisdom of God as it arises and not sweep it under the carpet and assume the problem will sort itself out. take the bull by the horn and address every issue of concern. As my Bishop will say, anything you watch has a rigth to remain. So arise and deal with every issue of concern. The Lord is on our side.

  2. Great point. A lesson I learned late in life, but better late than never. As one bishop I know always used to say: "The serpent in the book of Genesis became a dragon by the book of Revelation. Deal with your serpent before it becomes a dragon."