Tuesday 26 March 2013

The Payoff


In the next week or so, I will hopefully make the last payment toward my student loans. It’s hard to believe; I’ve had them for what seems like forever.

I made up my mind 9 months ago to actually pay attention to that area of my life in order to address it and put it behind me once and for all. At the time, I had an 8-month goal for paying it off, but life happened (I mean, REALLY happened) and I had a disappointing setback. My 8-month goal was ambitious, but doable. In paying more attention to things, I realized I really could pay more than the monthly minimum if I simply made up my mind to. And so I began to pay about 5 times the monthly minimum almost feverishly, suddenly having this strong urge to get this repulsive, creepy, crawly creature off me.

The interesting thing about my student loans is that I didn’t take them because I needed financial aid as a grad student. Thankfully, I got tuition remission from the program I was enrolled in, so there was no justification for racking up debt. I took the loans in my second or third year of marriage. My ‘dirty little secret’ is that I applied for them in order to plough them into different ventures my husband at the time was involved in. I took three of them, one after the other. Sometimes because he asked, and other times because, well, I just did.  

I took a whopping total of USD 24,000 in student loans. Whopping for pretty much any student, and whopping for me, even now, many years after graduation.

The reality of all this is hard to overlook when you’re actually making an effort to pay down the bill – the weight of what this means is hard ignore. But after I transferred the last payment, realizing I had only one more left to go, I paused for a minute and really thought about it. Then I emailed my sister with the words ‘almost done …’ as the subject heading.

Some excerpts from the email conversation:

Me:        So explain to me, B: What possessed me to borrow $24,000 as a student – money I didn’t need
to borrow, just in order to give it to a man? …

Her:       That was your path to walk and you have learned the lessons from that journey. … Congrats on
                getting this loan paid off; so proud of you!


To say that my actions were not wise is an understatement (as a matter of fact, I briefly thought about using the title ‘Dumb and Dumber’ for this post). But there’s got to be much more to it than that because I think very few people on earth can actually be categorized as truly ‘dumb.’  And so, this week, I’ve been wondering what was in it for me. What was the payoff for doing this? What sort of emotional capital did I believe that this action would afford, and why did I feel the need to invest in it?

I have not completely answered these questions and I’m not sure if it still matters a whole lot because I feel like I’m in a very different place now from where I was back then.

Being transparent about it all has been a big help, I must say. I never would’ve come this far in making a huge dent in the debt had I not announced to the blogosphere that I was going to do it. Had I not felt like a million eyes were watching and waiting to see if I really meant business.

My sister is right. I’ve learned my lessons.  I’ve paid the price – a very high price. I’ve paid every penny (almost). And I can hardly wait to post the words ‘PAID IN FULL!’ in a week or so.

Hopefully.







23 comments:

  1. Hey! I know that feeling of being free from debt-any debt.very gratifying. I won't send you down the 'why' lane...for ultimately these types of sacrifices aren't bad when invested in the 'right' mate... I have watched people take incredible financial risks on behalf of their spouses and it paid off..and then seen people who have been left bitter by such weighty sacrifices..these days, I'm forcing myself to think differently rather than my usual 'may his head be knocked on both sides for leaving anyone with this size of loan!...hopefully this was a good attempt!:-)

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    1. This was an excellent attempt, kiki (-:. I'm totally with you: sometimes, these things really do work out and sometimes they don't. Very generous of you not to drag me down that lane ...

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  2. Lol at both of you. Well done, nwannem. :(

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    1. Yeah, I know (:

      Why're you laughing at us, though? lol. Thank you.

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  4. I am with Kiki on this, sometimes some investments pay off with the right kind of mates, my mother in law is thanking God today for every investment she made in my father in law.. gosh, i love my father in law.. well done. I rejoice with you jare and looking forward to your announcing 'paid in full' :)

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    1. Absolutely - I'm with her, too; key words being "right kind of mates." It's so special when you get along well with your in-laws - you're truly blessed. Thank you, Jemima - if not for an earlier comment of yours, I might still be a few payments behind. Will stop by to announce "the end" specially to you once I'm done (-=

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    2. okay look forward to it :)

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  5. PAID IN FULL! Very appropriate during this time of Easter, when our Lord Jesus, by dying on the cross, PAID for our sins IN FULL. It will be over, very soon. Congratulations on the progress you have made.

    I support your sister (what a blessing to have such a thoughtful sister) that at the time you took that loan, it was to the best of your knowledge. You didn't know otherwise. You were just being a kind generous wife supporting her husband. Don't beat yourself up my sista oh, now you are wiser and better. I also believe that nothing in this world goes to waste. That loan is like a seed you have sown and the Lord God ALmighty will surely PAY you back IN FULL; exceedingly, abundantly, above all you would ever ask or imagine!

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    1. Wow, Nzilani! Good word!!! Amen and amen. Thank you. Yes, I'm incredibly blessed to have 3 wonderful sisters. Bless you. Happy Easter.

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    2. Yes i do agree with Nzilani, nothing goes to waste, you will get your reward...

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  6. Congrats to you for getting this far with it. Believe me, when I will have one more payment left on mine, I'll be dancing 'ajasco' lol.

    Happy Easter in advance!


    -Alexa.

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    1. Thank you so much, Alexa. If I can do it, ANYONE can, so just keep paying it down till it's gone. Happy Easter!

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  7. RMJ, was looking through your blog on Sunday and wanted to call you out on it, but i wasnt sure you had kept up with the payments. Really happy for you. Would never be able to get my head around why you incurred that much debt especially as the business had not yielded much. Recall the bank loans you also got for him.....And then he was giving some other lady money. Possibly taking out of the loans you got for him and paid interest on.

    Can people be like this? Why would a believer behave this way? It just doesnt add up. It doesnt.....Deep sigh!

    (I'm sorry for reminding about all this. Its just that it has really got me thinking)

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    1. Hahahaha! All the more reason why I must pay this thing off - I don't want to have to explain to people why I'm still not done. Thank you, seyidott. I can't completely wrap my mind around it either - especially considering that the bank loans were taken AFTER the student loans. So it took me forever to learn.

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  8. I dont know how you can talk about this without any trace of bitterness or unforgiveness in you. Keep it up. I'm learning a great deal from you. Don't know what i would have done if i found myself in your shoes. Everything in me right now is crying injustice. And to think you chose to walk away again demanding nothing, not even that he paid off those debts himself. I guess in life its important to choose our battles, and the fact that you have your kids with you, your life as you have known it counts for something. Indeed Christianity is a journey....One step at a time. Your spiritual maturity is commendable. God Bless You!

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    1. I thought I should look up the word 'bitterness' before replying, just to be sure of what I feel. The web definition says: 'resentment: a feeling of deep and bitter anger and ill-will.' Hmmm ... I do feel tinges of anger and bitterness about my entire 'situation' once in a while. But it's not a 'deep' or bitter anger; it's fleeting. And there's no ill-will toward my ex-husband. There is exasperation sometimes because I want him to have a good life, and when I feel like I don't see progress towards that, it's a bit frustrating. He has so much potential. But he's barely in my life anymore, so I have fewer opportunities to feel that way. Plus, no one put a gun to my head. I was of sound mind when I participated in this and at any point, I could've opted out. Also, I should explain that even if I had demanded anything, I wouldn't have gotten it. He did not have it to give. So (in my case, at least) I think it's not so much about being Christ-like as it is about being pragmatic. I have my 'bad' days, but even on those days, in the end, my overriding feeling is one of gratitude. I see myself as one lucky duck (okay - as one 'blessed' duck, lol). Thank you for your kind words. God bless.

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  9. rmj, where can I find a woman like you? Remember to continue the payment after it is all done. Just keep paying yourself and invest the money by yourself in a retirement account.

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    1. Hahahahahaha! Thanks for the early morning laughter! If by a woman like me you mean a woman who will take loans on your behalf, then don't worry. You don't have to look far; there are lots of us, unfortunately. On a serious note, though, thanks for the great advice. Consider it taken. I already have a couple of things lined up to start investing in once this is over. Thanks!

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  10. Smiling dear, on account of your wisdom.....and courage and determination. Joy is here, it is at hand - it is so real for you, not imagined. Well done and I totally understand how being rid of this debt is catharsis untold, in more ways than one!

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    1. Smiling, too. It'll be so good to be done with this. Thank you SOooo much!

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  11. It's a very expensive lesson, but I think it's one that's also worth every penny to learn. Good luck, and keep it up! I'm glad you've been able to do it, despite the setbacks. When it comes to our finances, sometimes we have to learn the hard way so we don't make the same mistakes again and we can manage our expenses better.

    Paddon+Yorke Inc.

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    1. I agree that it's worth every single penny - phew. Thank you, Allan!

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