Monday 2 April 2012

Strange Women


The large room was packed full of African women drawn from various countries. This was our time to flee from our daily responsibilities and come together for a couple of days to be refreshed in God’s presence. God knows we needed it. As Christian women, we often find ourselves pulled in multiple directions all at once – by church positions and responsibilities, husbands, children, careers, running a clean and peaceful household (with food in it) … The list is endless, and every year, in my experience, just gets busier.

A one-hour prayer session began. The usual prayer topics I’ve come to expect at this sort of gathering. We prayed for our children, for our homes, for our health, for our spiritual lives, about family finances … As we dwelt on these topics, the prayer in the room was collectively maintained at a nice, polite, even tempo.

And then, we were led in a prayer to ‘unseat the strange woman’ in our husbands’ lives.

This prayer point had a poetic ring to it, I thought, as I turned the phrase around in my mind … “unseating the ‘strange woman’.”  I fought to hide a smile as the phrase suddenly seemed comical to me. The point was to pray against women that were serving (or that could potentially serve) as a distraction to the husbands of the Christian women represented in the room, that were coming in and invading Christian households, that were appearing on the scene and snatching women’s husbands away. The polite tempo of the prayers in the room immediately shifted into a frenzy that rose until the room was literally shaking. Women around me screamed, cried, yelled. I could sense some fighting physically with the air, contending against invisible 'strange women.' Others clapped their hands forcefully, and stomped their feet in anger and indignation, binding the ‘strange woman,’ and commanding the grip of this mysterious, evidently powerful, and seductive woman on their husbands to be released.

I eventually found myself overwhelmed with sadness, and weeping on the inside in reaction to all I could hear and feel around me, my eyes tightly closed. My heart broke with every rising octave of the corporate prayer, as I witnessed (or sensed) ordinarily dignified Christian women, whom I greatly respected, morph into something I can’t adequately describe. ‘Was this really happening?’ I wondered. Were Christian marriages really this fragile? Had we really been reduced to this as women of God?

I battled with waves of embarrassment brought about by this pathetic scenario. Although no longer married, I tried to keep myself focused on praying for God to protect and intervene in the marriages of those around me. I was jolted out of this prayer attempt, though, by multiple cries of ‘Every strange woman in my husband’s life, I unseat you, in Jesus’ Name!’

Where was this paranoia stemming from? What on earth has happened to Christian men? How on earth did we get to this place? What is the church doing about all this? Surely, the solution can’t be in yet another annual women’s retreat to encourage faithful Christian women to hold on for one more year, for the next meeting, for the next renowned visiting pastor, for the next prophetic word, for the next dab of anointing oil.

Who on earth is working with Christian men? Why is there an assumption that men automatically ‘know’ how to be men, while women need constant, intensive Christian training throughout their lives? Where is the parallel annual men’s retreat? The parallel men’s prayer meetings and special bible studies? Why does it seem like the preservation of a Christian marriage is solely a woman’s burden to bear? 

It would be sooooo refreshing to see a room full of African, Christian men, crying out to God for their wives and children (perhaps even rebuking ‘strange men’), and crying out to Him to establish them as true men of God.

I was heartbroken that it had come to this. Heartbroken because I instinctively knew that these same women would return for the retreat in 2013 and pray just as fervently over this same prayer point all over again.

Does the solution lie in intercessory prayer, I wondered, or in finally making men a major project of the church?

Another approach I’ve seen Christian women rely upon to protect their marriages involves shunning their unmarried peers. I could never understand this approach, as it has always seemed really un-Christ-like to me. After an unmarried friend of mine ‘took up’ with my former spouse, I finally ‘got’ it (J), but I still didn’t (and don’t) embrace the mentality. If I have to live in perpetual fear of my Christian spouse’s infidelity, then there’s a problem.  

If this is what it takes to keep a Christian marriage together, then what’s the point of marrying a believer (not that I’m even remotely suggesting that a Christian shouldn’t, but you have to wonder …)? Why should a Christian woman who married a fellow believer have to invest so much time offering prayers meant for the ‘unsaved’? 

If we’re not ready to invest time preparing men to be Christian husbands, then there’s no point emphasizing to Christian women that they must marry believers – because if we don’t prepare a generation of believing husbands, then there are none.

19 comments:

  1. You have given me some very serious food for thought...

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  2. your blog is inspiring a LOT of my friends who are going through the same thing. some are still trying to find the courage to make the leap of faith that you did. your story lets them know there is life afterwards & it can even be better than the status quo!

    thank you so so much for having the courage to share it with the world...

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    1. Thank you for these encouraging words. Sorry to hear you know so many people in such situations. I don't mean to start a 'divorce revolution' or anything like that, but if my experiences turn out to be useful in some way, then, indeed, all things work together for good.

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  3. Some things in life can never change because they are made by God. The bible says that God hates divorce, I have never seen a sincerely happy divorced person- it's a stigma. That is why before we get married we need to seek the lord first. Many people did not and that is why we have divorces. Also, we need to understand that the enemy hates marriage with a perfect hatred, thus will fight our marriages. That said,in Proverb 31:10-31 explains to us what a wife is surpose to do and be, it might not sound right for some people but that is what God says for the survival of families and our generations to come. Women are born intercessors- we pray for our husbands, children, and the nations. Men are weak, expecially sexually, and that is why demonic agents (in form of women) attack and seduce them and destroy homes. It is normal to pray against strange women, and also for the salvation of our husbands. Men were made to be different from women, thus we play our own and they play theirs, even if we don't understand why God made the world the way it is. The more we abey God, the better life becomes. Anyone who rebels against God ways always lives in mystery and regret, and as the quote goes "Misery loves Company". May it not be our portion IJN. Amen

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    1. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment, Anonymous - glad you 'stumbled upon' my way. I mentioned in another post that quite a lot of women similarly stumble upon this blog through their search for prayers against strange women (making 'Strange Women' one of the top 'hits'). Sometimes they come back to read further and sometimes they don't. You've raised a number of provocative issues, all of which I've obsessively addressed in the various blog posts available here. I hope you're able to stop by again and read through them. Best wishes.

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    2. Like you said RMJ, all things work together for good. Sometimes the end of a marriage is for the good. Allow me to disagree with Anonymous above and say that I am, sincerely and honestly, a VERY happily divorced person. People need to know if you are happily married, that is well and good (and thank God for it). But some marriages are HELL, HELL, and HELL; and once you get out of that HELL, then you are a happier person. It is only the person wearing the shoe that feels the pinch. I think it is very presumptious for one to think that all divorced people are unhappy. We are not defined by our husbands, children etc.

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    3. Thanks for sharing your views on this. Multiple perspectives are always helpful. I've met some really miserable divorced women and I've met some really miserable married women. And I've met happy campers from both groups. The important thing is to be truthful to oneself (whether married or divorced) in order to come up with solutions that can lead one towards a happier life. It's really ironical, but I have found that many Christians really struggle in this area of being truthful to oneself. We'll try to tell the truth about every thing else, but not about ourselves. We tend to feel like we always have something to prove: that because we are 'in Christ,' we always have to wear some sort of facade, and that being truthful and real is a form of betrayal of the faith in some way.

      Well, here's my truth: I am happier divorced than I ever was married.

      I know there is great potential for an even greater measure of happiness, but I am definitely happier now. My own marital experience does not in any way define all marriages. But in my marriage, my happiness very much depended on my husband's happiness, and he was rarely happy. Some people are just happier than others. If I ever re-marry, I will choose someone who's happier - someone that at least has as happy a demeanor and personality as I do, if not more. I believe that I could've been much happier in marriage had I chosen someone with whom I shared greater compatibility - even though I'm keenly aware that no marriage is perfect. My point is that I was a pretty unhappy, married, Christian woman. Staying married did nothing to take away my own measure of misery, even though people assumed that I had it all just because I was married. I believe that marriage can bring great joy if you choose well, which is the tricky part. I believe that marriage isn't for everybody, and some people are just better off single, frankly. I believe that I'm not one of those people - LOL! But I have experienced enough to know now that marriage isn't my magic bullet, either. And so while I'm working on myself now to be as happy as I can be as a divorced woman, I'm also working on myself to one day be as happy as I can be as a re-married person, should that ever happen.

      I've been pretty open about the fact that divorce is not easy. But neither is marriage - and I speak as someone that has done both. There's a reason why 'Strange Women' has refused to budge as the #1 post on this blog. It's because married Christian women are constantly in search for potent prayers to keep their marriages together, and their husbands' infidelity (whether real, imagined, or imminent) is a big reality. Most happily married people don't need to pray these prayers.

      Whether you're single, married, divorced, widowed, or in whatever other category there is, I wish you much joy.

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  4. May we never be the jailer in our own prisons. Amen. I think it is more about the men than any strange woman. Afterall, it is the man who is in a marriage covenant.How many strange women will you pray away? The supply is abundant and you may spend your whole life praying them.Again, may God forbid. Once the man respects his marriage, I think those issues will decrease. So I think our prayer points should change to praying for these'strange' men. But then again, I am not omniscient. May God help us all. Even God respects free will, no one is forced by God to be a christian and while I believe so much in prayers, I think men of God have to rise up.

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    1. My goodness ... you have truly said it all. We tend to forget that sometimes (oftentimes, actually, I would dare to say), the man that we think needs protection from women might be the actual predator (or 'strange man').

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  5. You know, your post is so apt, its really sad. A male friend of mine made a comment so many years ago, and said he didn't understand our own type of christianity that holds retreats, seminars, prayer meetings for women and then send them back home to the same untaught unchanged christian men, i never forgot what he said, and after i read the book POINT MAN by Steve Farrar, i sent him a copy, to let him know he was right. As i commented to someone in church on sunday after our family life meeting; the men don't really have a clue as to what connotes leading a family, more often than not, they think its just submission from the women that is required...

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    1. I haven't heard of the book before now. Sounds like something I should invest in. I stopped attending women's conferences about 2 or 3 years into my marriage for the same reason. I began to feel like it was pointless (not that it is, but it really wasn't working for my particular situation). I didn't attend another women's conference until the one I describe in this post. And I only attended it because, to my great shock, I was invited to speak. I felt like it would be a good idea to talk about some things we usually don't talk about. The conference is taking place again in a few weeks and I still cringe at the thought of attending. Haven't made up my mind if I will or not ...

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    2. oh you haven't heard of Steve Farrar? he has a ministry to (get this) strictly men..you should read his books you will be blown away..

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  6. Wow. This is my first time on your blog and the first post I am reading. You really hit the nail on the head with this one. I shared a similar post on my Facebook wall that led to some men calling me feminist and wasting my time on non-issues where there are many issues to focus on.


    In my opinion, a major part of the decadence we have among husbands nowadays is that they were not trained right from childhood. Most African parents train their female children to be responsible, well-mannered, even Christian, so that they can be good wives to their future husbands. But they never train the male children in quite the same manner. The excuse is that they are men after all. They can be or do whatever they wish. Thus, we now have these boys grow into reckless and irresponsible men who see women as lesser beings that should always agree and submit to them and their egoistical way of life.

    Beyond church conferences and retreats for men, the church should also start organizing parenting seminars and talks where they teach parents the need to and benefits of raising their children right, whether male or female. If this can be done and parents apply these teachings, I believe this will go a long way in preventing/curbing the issues that come up later in marriages.

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    1. Welcome to the blog, Chimalume, and thank you for your comment. I agree with you.

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  7. first time here. Nice piece.

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    1. Glad you stopped by, Onyinnye. Thanks and welcome.

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  8. I really enjoyed reading your perspective on praying for the 'strange woman', and I can definitely see how this could seem like a 'pathetic' scenario, however, marriages suffer from outside distractions all the time. I believe, like most things in this Christian walk, that the intent of the heart is the most important thing. If these ladies were praying from a place of fear then I agree it may not be appropriate, however, I believe wisdom will lead you to protect your investment. Also, if the women began praying fervently in this area it could be a sign that their marriages were heavily under attack by this very thing. I'm not sure where you live, but society is increasingly suggesting that cheating on your spouse, or having an affair with a married person is ok... and anyone can fall into temptation - even Christians. I'm glad to hear these types of prayer sessions are thriving:)

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  9. Thank you for writing. The word 'pathetic' seems to have a negative connotation these days, but that was not the sense in which I used it. The scenario was pathetic to me as in: 'arousing pity, especially through vulnerability or sadness,' heart-rending,' or 'heartbreaking.' I'm not sure whether to say the prayer wasn't appropriate in general. It definitely was not appropriate for me, but I can see how one might find comfort in it, and I do think we need to do whatever works for us. However, it irks me that this has been constructed as an 'attack' that women need to take care of and be responsible for (and one that men are vulnerable to, as opposed to women). Almost as if, if this happens to you, then you didn't pray enough or weren't vigilant enough. The narrative on male responsibility is glaringly absent, and women - whether they realize it or not - are complicit in keeping in that way.

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