Saturday, 16 June 2012

Did my hurt matter?

This post ( is the reason why I listed The Divorced Diva’s Guide to Survival on my blogroll. The blogger put into words a question that I have carried around with me for years without quite being able to articulate it. It occurred to me that listing the blog wasn’t sufficient, though. Some people might never find the particular article that I found so poignant, so here it is.

When I think of my actions in the first few years after discovering the affairs (spying around, hoping for answers from one of the other women, etc.), I realize one thing. I wasn’t necessarily hunting for the truth because I was under any illusion it would make me feel better. I wasn’t looking for the magic solution that would somehow make my marriage not end, either. My marriage did not have much going for it by the time my former friend (for instance) came along. I had gone through the motions for years. Like a robot. Not letting myself think about it too much. Ignoring the subtle stench of the dying relationship. Her appearance on the scene was just another confirmation that the union was over. She and all the others were merely a symptom of a pre-existing, chronic, life-threatening illness. I suppose this is why I found it easy to forgive her almost right away. In my mind, she had little to do with the death. She was just a symptom – an opportunistic infection (for lack of a better term) that could not have arisen in the absence of the foundational, pre-existing illness. Whether she had appeared on the scene or not, death was imminent. It was only a matter of time. If it hadn’t been her, it would have been someone else or something else – and, of course, she wasn’t the only one anyway.

In spying and stressing myself out searching for the truth, I just wanted them to care. And since they didn’t seem to, I was determined to find something that I could confront them with to make them care. Or to get one of them to confess something that showed that, in the end, they did care.

I wanted my hurt to matter.

I am thankful that I am now beyond this torturous phase.  My current, even-keeled life is only interrupted periodically by some unexpected distractions. A couple of weeks ago, I got a series of five texts from my former spouse. Each arrived within a few seconds of the other. He’s been ill lately, and I suppose he was looking for some attention, and perhaps being a bit alarmist. His messages went as follows:

Message 1: “I’ve lived in fear of the uncertain the past month. It’s not easy. I don’t fear to die, but there’re so many uncertainties. Should it happen, I’ve prayed for you and the kids. 

Message 2: “I believe in your abilities. I know you are well able. Just try and bring them up in God … Please, try. My only regret is that I may not have made you as happy as I wanted. God can do what I desired to do. He can make you happy where I couldn’t.”

Message 3: “Just in case, let these be my guiding words to you. But I still believe my healing’ll be complete. I continue to feel uncomfortable congestion in my chest. People are praying. I’m praying and believing but preparing also, should anything fatal happen. No need for fears.”

Message 4: “Rest assured by God’s grace and account of the cross, I’ll go to heaven if it happens. To clear the doubts, live the rest of your life with this fact: [The Other Woman] didn’t come to your house. Your husband cared so much he couldn’t do that to hurt you.”

Message 5: “Finally, my family cares a lot about you. Of everybody, they loved you so much and accepted you absolutely. You’re still welcome any day. Keep the kids close to home. God’s grace.”

I’ve grown accustomed to these periodic, minor disruptions. My approach is to simply ignore them. I’m a pro at it these days. I leave them undignified by my silence. They show that my former hurt (which made its abode somewhere in my heart and simply refused to leave) doesn’t quite matter.

As I said in A Beautiful Mind, there are some things you just have to learn to live with. 


  1. It is hard to kick against the conscience/conviction, how sad!

  2. Oh, is that what the problem is? Boggles the mind ...

  3. So good you are ignoring the mails - phew,what hardness of heart - God deliver us from evil!

    1. LOL - I find that silence is very powerful. Still not sure how to qualify it: Hardness of heart? Extreme denial? Mental health issue? Or maybe I'm just crazy and don't realize it yet? Only God knows.

  4. Thank you for your link and for the mention. Your hurt does God. He asks us to forgive and to have faith that he has a record of our hurts....our tears are in a precious bottle sitting on the corner of his desk....we aren't to build altars of our hurt for all to see and to camp out in front of it for the rest of our lives, but rather share our hurts and our lessons with those who are hurting....with those who can't see five minutes past their pain so they will know their hurt matters. It's one thing to say "Beauty for ashes" and it's another to watch while your house burns down in front of your face and all you have left is ashes.....and tears.....and faith in a God who will turn the tears and the ashes into a beautiful work--a tree of Zion....and spring of life for all to share.... Keep writing!!! B

  5. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that you found your way here! How nice of you to stop by and to leave this important comment. With the number of blogs I check out from time to time and with all the great stuff out there, it's been a BIG struggle to remain 'choosy' about which blogs to list on this site. I have to keep reminding myself that as much as possible, I want to showcase material that is searingly honest about the 'Christian' divorce process because that is what I personally find most helpful on my own journey. That's why I've listed the Divorced Diva's Guide, even though there are a ton of others I could list. I also really like the fact that you've come so far since your divorce. You're at a point that I personally am too scared right now to even begin to contemplate. But your victory through this process is evident and it gives many of us something to look forward to. Wishing you and 'The Man' well - ha ha ha! To anyone that doesn't get it, check the Divorced Diva's link on this blog.

  6. “Rest assured by God’s grace and account of the cross, I’ll go to heaven if it happens. To clear the doubts, live the rest of your life with this fact.
    Indeed! Heaven is for the righteous and not the sinners, hope he knows that. Most of the time men don't know how much they hurt women whenever they try to play smart. I am most annoyed by these text messages.

    1. LOL! Adaeze, you're hilarious!