No Words

The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men [women, children] are taken away, and no one understands ... (Isaiah 57:1, NIV)

Why I will be using a pen name

After my divorce, I did not revert to my maiden name.

One of the things that the publisher, the editor, and I have had to deliberate over has to do with the name that I will be publishing under. Although the publisher acknowledged that marketing non-fiction can be tricky using a pseudonym, his first instinct was that this particular book should be able to circumvent those problems. The editor, on the other hand, was of the opinion that I had to use my real name – even if it meant resorting to the use of my maiden name instead. In his words: ‘I feel that the author should write the book in her own name. Writing under a pseudonym will make the book difficult to market and does not align with the author’s core message of dealing with divorce in an up-front way.’

We went back and forth over this and I was almost convinced to just go ahead and use my maiden name after all. I would have loved to, actually, but it didn’t feel quite ‘right.’ In the end, Bill (the editor) said it was ultimately my call.

A divorce memoirist whose work I have admired since my own divorce agreed with Bill. As she put it: ‘I never would have considered publishing my book under a pseudonym.  It was extremely important to be fully truthful, and I think readers would have had a difficult time trusting me if I hid behind a fake name.’

We had this conversation several months after I thought I’d settled the name issue for good. Her words made me really question myself, though, which was a good thing, as this is a decision I’ll have to carry with me forever.  In addition to feeling like using a pen name would prevent the book from ‘ringing true,’ she also brought up the point that the use of a pen name seemed like a means of protecting my ex-husband from the consequences of the choices he made – a means of preserving the status quo (which is that, men tend to be unfaithful to their wives and there’s nothing women can do about it, and that’s that).

Interestingly, like Bill, she also advised that I steer away from saying certain things – that I find a way to allude to infidelity, for instance, without directly making any accusations in this regard.  In Bill’s case, he gave the advice that any book editor would: that I couldn’t use the words of identifiable people in the book without getting their written permission.

Well, what’s a girl to do, then?

I resolved these issues in my head on a recent long-haul flight which provided plenty of time to just sit in one spot and think.

I do not at all feel that using a pen name takes away from the authenticity of what I have to say. I have never felt so. This blog actually started out (and was maintained for quite a long time) without an association with any name at all. I’m convinced that the fact that I was anonymous (and started out thinking that I always would be) actually freed me to delve into some things that I might not have, had I started out using my name. And since I have neither sought nor obtained permission from my children’s father to use his words, not using my real name just makes sense to me. No one’s privacy can be protected 100%, but the pen name gives a certain measure of protection.

I have hung on to using snippets of certain conversations, and certain words of others, including my ex. I’ll just have to take that risk. What would the Running into The Other Woman post be without the ‘classic’ sentence: ‘On behalf of my family, I just want to apologize to her for all the pain that she has suffered as a result of being falsely accused’??? That sentence is probably etched in my memory forever. Unlike it the past, I think of it today without bitterness, but I don’t think I will ever come to remember it without complete amazement. In my mind, that is one sentence that holds much of that particular story together. Without that sentence, I wouldn’t have fallen apart in public. I would have succeeded in holding onto to my usual, cool, calm demeanor throughout that fateful meeting. Without that sentence, I don’t think the reader would have gotten to see just how deep the hurt was, just how far below the belt the blow was.

Well, who cares? So what if I was deeply hurt once? Or twice, or more?

I think women might care. I am not suggesting that this sort of thing happens in every African woman’s relationship, but whether it does or not, I think it’ll make us all sit up and be more proactive about creating the sort of relationships we want, to the extent that it is within our power. 

I think men might care. Because communication is often such a huge problem in relationships, men often have no inkling just what kind of pain that one poor decision can inflict on their partner. I hope that many of the stories will give them a glimpse into just what it is like. A glimpse into just how much havoc a wrong decision made in a split second can cause.

I think the Church might care. These stories are mainly about the demise of a Christian marriage. They represent just one of many Christian marriages hanging by a thread or already destroyed. I hope that in laying it all out, that the Church will be forced to look at the remains of one marriage (mine), and glean something from the autopsy in order to help other struggling marriages. I hope that the Church will gain a sense of how to help out a bit better, of what to do in general, by reading my story. 

Some dear friends of mine (a married couple) also made me pause and think about my motives for moving forward with this book. Not that they were discouraging me from doing so at all; they were just playing devil’s advocate – just to be sure that I was clear about things in my own mind. Having a blog is one thing, they said. But having a book is a whole other ball game. Why are you writing this book?

I’m writing this book because I was meant to write it. Call it denial, but my mind is simply unable to accept the idea that my experiences in marriage and divorce have all been for nothing. There has got to be a reason for the path that I have walked. 

I’m writing this book because when I was struggling in a difficult marriage, and then, navigating the waters of divorce, I desperately wanted to read about the experience of others to help me with mine, and I couldn’t find any books by anyone like me.

I’m writing this book because I have finally found a form of ‘labor’ that I would gladly give myself to even if I weren’t paid for it.

I’m writing this book because the chance to do so essentially fell in my lap. It came to me more than I had to hunt for it. And now that I think about it, the best things in my life have always been those things that weren’t a big struggle to obtain or to make happen.

I’m writing this book because the reactions to the blog made me realize there’s a need for it – not just for the divorced, but for the married and never married. I have written frankly about quite a number of things that I wish someone had been able to tell me in plain English before I got married. I have written about things I wish I had known when I was in a marriage. I have also focused on the realities of divorce – the ‘good,’ the ‘bad,’ and the ‘ugly.’ Few books can actually be for everybody, but I have written a book that I know will be for some people. And that’s enough.

I’m writing this book because I have to keep on keeping on. To keep moving. Although I wouldn’t say I’ve experienced it myself, necessarily, I think divorce can have a pretty stagnating effect. I’m struck by one of the last things that Efuru said in Flora Nwapa’s book by the same title: I have ended where I began …  I can see how easily that could turn out to be the case for any divorced person, but I reject this as my personal testimony. There’s a lot to do out there, and so I’m ‘doing.’ I can’t end up where I began. It just not possible – I’ve come too far. I'm writing this book because I sense that the book's ending will open up a new chapter in my own life. 

There’s one more reason why I will be using a pseudonym. It is, in fact, the first reason that came to mind when I decided not to use my real name: My day job involves a staggering amount of a very different kind of writing that is supposed to have little or nothing to do with how I ‘feel.’ When the publisher expressed interest in turning the blog into a book, my first thought centered on the need to keep some distance between the book and the job that I earn a living from. I’m not sure why that was an immediate thought; it’s hard to explain. I suppose it boils down to the fact that, for each type of writing, I want to be judged as objectively as possible (since writers are always judged, no matter what). I don’t want the judgment pronounced over the first type of writing I do, to cloud the reader’s judgment of the second type (if that makes sense).

And so, I will be using a pen name.

p.s. – Excuse the disjointed arguments and any typos. Very sleepy right now. Night …

Thank you

In the next month or two, I am going to have to take down most of the rmj blog content for the year 2012, and just about three or so posts from 2013. The book publisher had told me that this time would come, but I hadn’t expected it to come so quickly. Where has the year 2013 gone??

I’ve been meaning to blog about the process of turning the blog into a book. I have just had such a crazy past three months or so that it’s been impossible. That doesn’t mean I won’t do it, though! This post is one step in that direction, actually.

In a nutshell, the manuscript has been reviewed by the editor (more about his suggestions for the book later; and YAY, I've finally taken the time to figure out how to insert a hyperlink!) and has recently been passed on to a copy editor who will clean up all my grammatical errors and typos, etc. I allowed the manuscript to be sent to the copy editor, but pointed out that I still hadn’t written an ‘Acknowledgments’ section. With the distraction of work, I didn’t quite have the presence of mind to tackle that, and so planned to do so later. I also wanted to take the time to go back to the comments section of each blog post to draw up a list of all the commenters so far. If there’s anyone I need to acknowledge, surely it would be the readers that I’m able to identify because of their comments. Well, ‘identify’ is not quite the word because out of all those that have commented since March 2012 when this blog was set up (excluding anonymous commenters), I only know 2 of these readers in person. So I can only ‘identify’ people by the names they’ve chosen to use.

I reviewed every single rmj blog comment yesterday in order to make my list. Although I will be taking down most of the blog posts, I will be saving every single comment, given my fetish for words of affirmation. I had to blink back tears as I re-read many of these comments. I guess because of how far I have come, by God’s grace, along this journey – and how people that I have never even met have come along on this journey with me, anyhow.  What an experience this has been. Who would’ve ever thought, when I finally decided to write down my rambling thoughts, that this simple act would begin to take on a life of its own?

There’ve been times that I’ve wanted to hold back the process, frankly – to rein it in so that it didn’t move too fast for me, or so that I could even change my mind before things went too far. There’ve been times that I’ve wanted to chicken out from moving ahead with publishing the book. Why am I doing this? I’ve sometimes asked myself. I didn’t start out even imagining I would write a book. Why is it important?

I have definitely had moments of doubt, but reading the comments again reminded me of why it’s important. I’ll be blogging a little bit about this topic this week, come hell or high water (so do stay tuned).

There’s this chilling quote by Elbert Hubbard: ‘To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.’ In developing this book, I realize that I will be opening myself up to a number of things, and criticism is only one of them. But I’m more scared of leaving this earth having done nothing, said nothing, and been nothing. I always have been.

I want to say a warm ‘Thank you’ to you all: those that have visited, those that have lurked (I’m a professional lurker myself), those that have signed up to receive the blog posts via email, blogger, etc., those that have shared the posts with others, those that have linked to the blog (I'm discovering each of you slowly but surely), and those that have commented anonymously. I would particularly like to thank those that have commented out in the open; here are their names/pseudonyms:

Ezeji

Alexa

Doris

Seyidott

Alive in STL

Nene

Adaeze Ibechukwu

Michael

PradaPrincipal

Ekene

Rachel Faltus

Bridget

Engagement Ring Company

Demashi

Oluwayemisi

Jemima

Thomas Watson

Nzilani

Unknown

Affy (where are you, Affy??)

Chinny

thewordsmythe

Becky P

Jero

Creative Works

Kitchen Butterfly

LagosMums

Casio

Merrykiks

Tosin

Seke

Laine Harwell

Lucas Boles

Jermaine Gardner

Platinum7

Lohi

Sugabelly

Kiki

Allan Morais

Nkaytchee

Albert Gates

Myne Whitman

Chizy K

Ichie

Many, many thanks.

Home Truths

We had a blast in Nigeria.

All that excitement about going home turned out not to be for nothing (thankfully). It was so special seeing dear friends … and in-laws.

The in-laws are still good people. They reacted to seeing me and the children with multiple emotions. Joy, amazement, guilt, helplessness, gratitude, foreboding. Other feelings, too, I’m sure.

Joy at the sheer sight of us. It had been far too long since they saw my first child. It was their first time of seeing my second child, so that was a real treat, too.

Amazement at how the children have grown. The last time they saw him, my son was a little five- or six-year old. Today, he stands taller than his father. One more inch and he will also finally be taller than me. My daughter promises to be even taller than her brother when she gets to his age. They were shocked to see this full-grown six-year old (who looks like a nine-year old), rather than the baby they’d always imagined. Amazement at how ‘good’ I looked (their words) – which they kept remarking about over and over again. I would laugh heartily in response, asking what they were expecting me to look like.

Guilt. Largely unspoken, but present, nonetheless. Guilt about what they didn’t do, or couldn’t do, or hadn’t done, or wouldn’t do to contribute to the lives of these children who had grown so nicely.

Helplessness informed by their inability to at least get the children’s father contribute in some way.

Gratitude for the efforts made to ensure they saw the children, anyhow.

Foreboding, as it dawned on some (after visiting with them a few times) that these efforts were by no means a round-about way of trying to get back together with my ex. My mother-in-law, confused by how well I looked, pulled me aside and asked suspiciously if I had re-married. She asked twice. I threw my head back and laughed, showing her my ringless finger. There were assumptions in the air (and not by her alone) that my even bothering to take care of myself had to mean I was either in a relationship, or that I was seriously contemplating being in one, with a whole host of imagined suitors to choose from. (I must say, I quite liked these fancy imaginations they had of me J).

Reality dawned. This was actually one of several key outcomes from the trip that made me feel like it was worthwhile: reality dawned for them and for me.

I’ll say it till I’m blue in the face (and I pretty much already have) that I have some of the best in-laws. This hasn’t changed. But it dawned on me that their essential goodness wasn’t what really mattered in my situation; it wasn’t the bottom line. In my situation, I am on my own. All the niceness and good intentions in the world don’t change this fact. I don’t mean it in a ‘bad’ way, either. It’s just a statement of fact, and it’s important for me to be aware of this reality, and not try to imagine that it’s something that it’s not.  

This realization helped guide many of the decisions I made during my visit. It helped temper my strong tendencies toward being an efiko, a ‘goodie-goodie,’ an over-sabi. Toward over-compensating.

This was not nearly as easy as I make it sound. It was excruciatingly painful for me to come to some of those decisions. I had to restrain myself many times from over-compensating. From being ‘overly-nice’ to the  point of forgetting I needed to have some niceness left over for my children and myself. I kept reminding myself that the only person really looking out for us was me, so that I could more accurately weigh my intentions/impulses against my resources (emotional, financial, social).

I suppose I experienced some of those same feelings – joy, amazement, guilt, helplessness, gratitude, foreboding – but for different reasons for the most part.

I came back feeling quite accomplished. I had succeeded in drawing the line and in beginning the process of defining healthy boundaries. I realized that if they had ‘wild’ imaginations about me upon my arrival, I also held my own set of imaginations about them. I imagined them to be my in-laws. I still like that warm, fuzzy imagination, and I still cling to it in a way. But I also learned not to completely lose sight of the fact that, in actual fact, I no longer have in-laws. My children have good paternal relatives. There is a difference, and I need to be careful not to confuse the two. I’m learning.

I said I succeeded in drawing the line. But it just occurred to me that perhaps I had less to do with that than I think. Perhaps the line was already drawn – and not by me, necessarily. Perhaps the trip back home just helped me recognize it. 

How did you know it was time to stop praying for your marriage?

Comment on the ‘Running into the Other Woman’ post:

(http://remembering-my-journey.blogspot.com/2012/05/running-into-other-woman.html)

I too am facing a similar situation. in my case my husband was a serial adulterer and there was abuse involved. He kicked me out with my kids (after 10 years of marriage)for the current OW a much younger person - she's 28 who claims she's a born again Christian. Long story short, I was relieved at first when he asked me to move out but it has been tough for the kids and I. But I have had peace o! No more wondering how he would hurt me next, being able to be comfortable in my home and feeling uncondemned + the children are safe from his constant criticism.I have to do emotional repair work every time they go to spend time with him. I have prayed for God to touch and change him and restore the marriage (although I often wonder why- my experience as his wife was a nightmare!) for the sake of my kids and because no matter what I've read, I don't think God wants anyone divorced. He has been somewhat involved with the kids and has filed for a divorce - we're still in court. In all this time he hasn't honestly addressed the things he did to me in our marriage even though I have been open about my repentance for my part of the mess. I don't think he has changed, he has been in an open relationship with this OW - living together, parading her as his wife. Its going on 3 years now and I'm wondering, how long more do I have to wait before shutting the door on that marriage? I do not intend to stay celibate for the rest of my life but and still trust that God can and will give me a positive marital experience but..will it be with another man or this one? If with another man, how can I ever trust anyone else again? What will happen to my children? I wonder all the time. Just wanted to see what answers other Christian women in similar situations have and how they reached the point when they stopped praying for the restoration of their marriage. What are some practical steps to take going forward? Answers would be really appreciated.

REPLY (a bit all over the place, but …)

Dear Anonymous,

Thank you for writing. I actually printed out your comment so I could read it again on my way home yesterday and think about it some more. There’s a phrase that jumped out at me, and I found myself underlining it: ‘… because no matter what I’ve read, I don’t think God wants anyone divorced.’

I read that and thought: That’s a loaded statement.

I could spend a lot of time dissecting that singular statement, but that’s not why you wrote. So, I won’t.

Your main reason for writing, if I understood your comment correctly, was to hear from other Christian women in similar situations about practical steps for moving forward – i.e., for getting out of the rut of praying for the restoration of a marriage that you’re no longer sure is healthy for you and your children. I would like to invite others to share their own opinions and experiences.

First, though, I wanted to say that I can relate to the relief you felt initially when your separation began. It seems contradictory, but when a marriage that you value has also been a source of immense tension, relief is a natural emotion to have. Peace is such a priceless thing. I occasionally think about the fact that, before Jesus’ departure, of all the things He could’ve left with the disciples, He chose to leave them peace.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid (John 14: 27, NIV).

Plus, as you know, the Bible advises us to be anxious for nothing, but to let God know what our requests are instead … and then, once we’ve done that, we aren’t promised anything in that verse as a result of our prayers – except for an unfathomable peace (Philippians 4: 6-7).

And that short ‘sermon’ for the day is just my way of emphasizing that if, as you say, you’re living a more peaceful life right now, then you’re in a great place despite the other circumstances.

Your main question:

Just wanted to see what answers other Christian women in similar situations have and how they reached the point when they stopped praying for the restoration of their marriage. What are some practical steps to take going forward?

My initial thought is that there probably aren’t any clear-cut steps. The earlier posts on this blog (mainly from 2012) document how I, personally, came to a place where I felt like the restoration of my marriage was ‘out’ – not because I didn’t believe in miracles, but because I decided that this was not a miracle that I wanted anymore. I’ve talked repeatedly about how this was a gradual process, though – I definitely didn’t start out jaded. For years, I was hopeful, and had there been some miraculous turn of events years ago, then that would’ve been great at the time. Later on, however, my desires began to change.  Again, several years elapsed and several events occurred before this change began to happen.

I guess what I’m saying is that, from my experience, this is something that happens organically; it can’t be forced or nicely-organized into seven neat steps, for instance. And so, I’m giving you a boring answer: let the passage of time do the work and take you where it will. I don’t think there are ‘7 steps,’ after which you suddenly miraculously no longer feel like praying for restoration. I think you just pray and live until you don’t feel like restoration is what you want anymore – if it ever comes to that (and who knows? It may not. Your husband could turn around by some miracle; it has happened before). I sense from your comment that you’re still a bit conflicted about it all – glad you have some peace but also still sort of invested in the marriage and in the life of your estranged husband: what he’s doing with the OW, what she’s doing with him, etc. And that’s understandable. You should take as much time as you need to resolve those feelings. If you do eventually decide to move on, then you will one day come to a point where you’ll only be mildly interested (if at all) in what is going on with him.

In your case, though, it also depends on how things play out with your husband. You’ve indicated that he’s filed for divorce. I have to ask you a blunt question (pardon me): Once the divorce comes through, would you be devastated if he married the OW? If not, then there’s a possibility that you would no longer feel obligated to pray for restoration at that point. But if you would feel bad about it, then it goes back to the issue of continuing to live, one day at a time, until you wake up one day and are surprised by what the passage of time has done.

Your questions around the possibility of re-marriage – trust, your children, fear of the unknown – are very important ones and anyone in your position would ask them (I’ve asked similar questions myself here: http://remembering-my-journey.blogspot.com/2012/09/on-re-marriage.html). They are important questions, but from your comment, I sense that they are not the most important ones for you to answer right now. Let tomorrow take care of itself; let the One who holds it worry about it. In the meantime, you’ve been given today. What are you going to do with it?

I hear you about the ‘lifelong’ celibacy issue (http://remembering-my-journey.blogspot.com/2012/04/what-dyou-do-for-sex.html ) and I do not doubt that you will eventually have a positive marital experience, if that’s what you want. In the meantime, the important question isn’t whether that experience will be with your estranged husband or not. The key question, in my mind, is: Who are you going to be when that time comes? Will you be the sort of woman who chooses a man that’s incapable of honoring her all over again? I am convinced that we can get what we want in life, and I will repeat that I believe a positive marital experience is something you can surely have. But remember, you will still be the one doing the choosing – whether it means choosing your current husband again or choosing someone else. And so, you have to be ready …

Now, I’m asking myself how a woman can know she’s ready. My answer is that a woman is probably ready to make a wise decision in regard to a life partner when she’s in a place where she really values her own company and her own individual life – when she can think a bit wistfully of several things she would have to give up if she allowed someone else into her life. I’m no expert, but to me, this is an indication that she has something going on for herself and isn’t seeing a relationship as the solution to all of her problems in life. This is the sort of woman that needs some serious convincing by a man that he’s worth her time in the first place and he has to put in some work to actually woo her away from her own individual life into a shared life with him. And rather than rush to leave her life behind, she should have to spend a least a little bit of time weighing what she would be losing by doing so, against what she would be gaining.

I’m sorry I haven’t offered any really practical steps, but I’m glad your message wasn’t just to me; it was to any Christian woman who’s been through something similar and has something to share. I’m hoping that any woman in this category that reads this post (or any woman that feels led) will share her thoughts and experiences, too.

In the meantime, I’m wishing you well, Anonymous. You and the children will be all right because you are not alone. There is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother, and He will never leave you nor forsake you.

Peace be with you. 

Nite-nite.

Bigger than divorce

I once mentioned that I was probably not going to be spending any vacation time in Nigeria with my children this year (http://remembering-my-journey.blogspot.com/2013/03/no-place-like-home.html).

Well, I changed my mind. I’ve booked the flights, too, so there’s no going back. And I’m quite pleased with this plan. It’ll be a nice change for us all.

The length of the trip will be just right: not too long and not too short. But short enough for me to have to alert my in-laws to the fact that we will be arriving so we can schedule visiting dates. The news has been met with much excitement on their part. Even though I shouldn’t have been, I was still a bit surprised by the elation our impending visit has caused. Every single phone call I have made to announce our plans has gone the same way: First, they want to know if I’m actually coming with the children. I say yes. Then, they ask if I mean I’m coming with my son and my daughter (whom they haven’t met yet, and who is named after my mother-in-law). Each time, I’m very amused and I remind them that I have two children – a son and a daughter – and confirm that I will be coming with both of them. Then, rejoicing, they either tell me in advance what they’ll prepare for us (a goat, for instance), or ask what I want them to prepare for us (soup, for instance).

The truth is, I hadn’t planned to pay a visit to my ex-husband’s village. I plan to be in a central enough location where my in-laws can easily get to (one of them actually lives in the same city) so that those that would like to can see the children and spend time with them. Apart from the fact that I’m no longer married and don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression, I would rather not have my children making any long-distance road trips at this time. So I planned to just stay in one spot.

Of course, my in-laws are putting immense pressure on me (in the nicest way) to make that trip to the village, and their eagerness to see the children warms my heart. My mother-in-law is getting older, and it would be great for her to see her grandchildren.

I mentioned to my son this evening that it looks like we’ll be spending a night or two in his village. He immediately replied: ‘I’m not going.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Just tell them I said I’m not coming. You guys can go ahead, though,’ he said flatly.

‘Why would you say that? Where’s this coming from?’

He said something about how, with his father’s sparse involvement in his life, he didn’t see why this particular visit to the village was necessary.

I paused.

‘Come here,’ I said. ‘Close the door, let’s talk.’

And I told him about all the phone conversations I’ve had in the last week and how his uncles and aunties were all beside themselves with joy at the prospect of seeing him and his sister. About how, when I said I was coming with ‘the children,’ they all wanted to be sure I meant I was coming with both my son and my daughter. (He was as amused by this as I was).  I told my son that his family is much bigger than just me and his maternal relatives. I told him how much he is adored on both sides of the family. I told him that his father’s people are his people, and that they are good people. He comes from a large family of good people. I told him that if I had to choose in-laws again, I would choose the ones I originally chose.

I told him about my traditional wedding: about how, when my soon-to-be in-laws paid a visit to introduce themselves to my people, and later on, on the day of the bridewealth payment (a misnomer in my case, as my father didn’t believe in receiving bridewealth for himself), his father didn’t utter a word. It was ‘his’ wedding, but he barely featured in it because it wasn’t about him, really. It was about two families of good people coming together – and he (my son) was a part of this big, new family. I told him about his paternal grandmother, great-uncle, and uncles, who did all the talking that day on his father’s behalf.  My in-laws came along with their in-laws, too, that day – men who had married their daughters. My father was very impressed by this and would later remark that they put together ‘a powerful delegation.’ I have always been pleased with my parents’ impression of my in-laws. They are truly people who know how to ‘do’ family.

I told my son that where we come from – where he comes from – a marriage is not just about two people. About what a good thing that can be because it means that he is protected and will always ‘belong’ somewhere. He will always have an intact identity, no matter what. I told him that in his culture, it doesn’t matter that his parents are divorced; this means little when it comes to him as a child. His parents’ divorce has not changed his location in his father’s village because his family is much, much bigger than just me and his dad. And this is why they were all busy twisting themselves into a pretzel trying to figure out how to welcome him.

I said a lot of other things that I can’t remember now. What I will not forget is the fluctuating expression in my son’s eyes, which went from defiance, to surprise, to pride, and finally, to respect.

‘Okay,’ he said, soberly. ‘I’ll go.’

So, Nigeria: here we come.

A man named Bill

The book editor turned out to be nothing like what I expected. Not that I’d ever really given it much thought. But when he turned out to be: 1) a ‘he’, 2) White, 3) American, and 4) Roman Catholic, I suddenly realized that this wasn’t what I had in mind (subconsciously) at all.  

But what do I know? I’m a novice who hadn’t planned to start a blog in the first place, much less a book, and who really didn’t know what exactly the role of a book editor was, anyway. All this is one big adventure to me.

The publisher sent me the editor’s profile to review. His name really is Bill. His credentials were terribly impressive – so much so that I sent a quick thank you email to the publisher for choosing him with such care. I was still really apprehensive, though, about some of the remarks made by authors Bill had worked with in the past. I noted one in particular who talked about his book having to be re-written ‘with 75% new content, just as [Bill] had predicted.’ This author sounded really happy. I balked at the thought of having to re-write stuff. Where on earth would I find the time? I read some more of Bill’s profile and found that this author’s book ended up doing really well. No wonder he sounded so happy.

I sent the profile to my sister along with the first couple of emails from Bill so we could compare notes. I thought he was absolutely hilarious. He ends almost every email with a joke that cracks me up.

‘Doesn’t he sound like fun?’ I asked my sister.

‘He sounds absolutely delightful!’ she replied.

Perhaps it was naïve of us, but my sister and I still couldn’t get over the fact that he was actually a ‘he.’  It was also interesting to us that he wasn’t African and wasn’t of the same Christian ‘flavor’ as I am. But the not-being-a-woman part was something that really gave us pause. No disrespect at all to the male readers of this blog (nor to men in general), but I did wonder how possible it would be for him to really ‘get it’ – to deeply understand where I, as a woman, was coming from with the very personal thoughts and perspectives that make up the blog. I mentioned this to him when I received his first set of comments. I mentioned it out of relief, really, as I discovered that I need not have bothered. I also mentioned how much I hate reviews (well, I hate having my own work reviewed, anyway, even though I love the benefits in the end). I spend a considerable amount of time at work getting peer-reviewed and providing peer reviews, and if this is what a book editor did, then I was going to dread this process.

Fortunately (very, very fortunately), it turned out that I had nothing to worry about. I found that I thoroughly enjoyed responding to Bill’s comments, and it has been a pleasure stealing time on my weekends to do so.

When I pitched the idea of blogging about the process of turning the rmj blog into a book, he enthusiastically replied: ‘Feel free about mentioning that your editor is a guy from Texas!’

So I’ve conveyed his message (J). More to come.