Questions my best friend asked me

We all have our 'besties.' Different people come into our lives for different reasons, and 'best friends' (or, the people that we allow to retain such positions) tend to evolve as well. Consequently, by the time you get to my age, it's unusual not to have a number of really close friends, all of whom you consider your BFFs. They come into your life at different periods and bless you in completely different ways. I'm privileged to have about 4-5 such besties in my life.

I've known Isang Awah since I was 8 years old. I was supposed to be her sister's friend - and I was for a good year before they both moved to a different school. I reconnected with Isang in senior secondary school years later, and that's when I actually got to know her well. We hit it off right away and the friendship has withstood time (gosh, it's been over 3 decades), distance, relocations, and many life changes. We are two very different individuals. I always tell her, in fact, that she reminds me a lot of my younger sister - another person that differs from me greatly, but that, surprisingly, is 'one' with me in spirit on so many levels. That's the way I would describe Isang as well.

Despite our different personalities, we've always shared a passion for writing. I'm not sure if she knew this back then, though. When I look back, I see that I was still a 'closet writer,' and probably shared little of what I wrote, if at all. She, on the other hand, wrote 'out loud' right from our teenage years, and has continued to do so, in different ways. She was always writing - poetry and songs, especially. If my memory serves me correctly, she was one of those people that kept a diary, too. She wasn't afraid to put her thoughts down on paper. I watched in admiration for years, while still stifling my own thoughts and writing.

Appropriately, today, among her myriad accomplishments, she is proprietor and director at MyRainbowBooks - 'personalized books that celebrate the child, build self-esteem, instill the right values, and engender a reading culture.' This means she gets to write, edit, publish, give creative input into cover designs and illustrations, and so much more. She's also written and produced a Nollywood movie (entitled 'Bent Arrows'), songs for the soundtrack to the movie, and a totally separate book and album!

I could go on and on, but all I'm trying to say is that she decided to interview me about Strange Women. It's a long one, since I can't help being long-winded sometimes, but I hope you enjoy it!

But first:

FB link to MyRainbowBooks: https://www.facebook.com/MyRainbowBooks-343260872412286/?ref=br_rs

Youtube link to Part I of Bent Arrows: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuS2Km9uh38

***

Isang: Congratulations, rmj, on the publication of your well-written and fascinating memoir. Would you care to say why you titled the book, ‘Strange Women and Other Strangleholds?’

rmj: Why, thank you, Isang. I try to use provocative titles for whatever I write, although this doesn’t always happen. When I was first exposed to the practice of praying against ‘Strange Women,’ I was so struck by the concept that I knew I had to work it into the title somehow. Plus, these prayers resonate with quite a lot of women. The vast majority of readers that stumble upon my blog (part of which was converted into the book) seem to do so by searching for prayers against ‘Strange Women’ on the internet. So, I thought it would make for an interesting title that would grab the attention of potential readers. Further information about the ‘strangleholds’ part of the title can be found in the Preface of the book, but in a nutshell, I see the compulsion to pray against ‘Strange Women’ as a sort of stranglehold – one of many that might exist in a marriage.

Isang: I have to ask this next question because of your Nigerian background. You have chosen to write about divorce and your experiences within and after marriage. As a Nigerian Christian and one who understands the Nigerian culture, did you at any point entertain fears about how your book would be received by most Nigerian Christians?

rmj: If I was apprehensive about anything, it wasn’t necessarily about Nigerian Christians and how they would receive the book. My apprehension was more around the act of putting myself out there and what that would mean for me as a pretty introverted person. It might just boil down to the sort of company that I keep, but I know quite a number of Nigerian Christians who just happen to be very nuanced and objective in their thinking, and seasoned in their knowledge and understanding of Scripture. Still, I do see how being ‘Nigerian’ and being ‘Christian’ can sometimes inhibit us from asking hard questions, and from digging beyond what we’ve been taught to see if there’s anything else – how it can stifle plain old curiosity, if we’re not careful. But, as a Nigerian Christian, I’m also keenly aware that when it comes to some tough issues in the Church, there’s the ‘official’ account – the one that’s heard consistently in public and from the pulpit – and the ‘unofficial’ account – the one that’s whispered behind closed doors. And the two are usually not identical. I had already been navigating these two different viewpoints as a divorced, African, Christian woman for years before the book came out, so I knew that they existed, and for me, this meant that there would be an audience for the book, even if a part of that audience would be hidden.

What I mean is that, for some, Strange Women is the kind of book that you read locked up in your bathroom, or the kind of book that you wrap up in newspaper so spouses or church members don’t get the wrong impression (if you know what I mean). For some Nigerian Christians, it’s really not the sort of book that you admit to having read, or that you show public appreciation for, because that could result in misperceptions about your own Christian standing. I also don’t think of the book as a ‘Church-only’ book, which is one of the reasons why I never tried to brand it (or even market it) as such. Its purpose isn’t to teach Christian doctrine; it’s just based on my own story, and I just happen to identify as Nigerian and Christian. I think of it as being for all women and men interested in cultivating meaningful relationships, even though it’s written from a Christian perspective. So, for these reasons (and probably more), I wasn’t terribly preoccupied with how the book would be received by Nigerian Christians specifically. I do hope, though, that at least some aspects of the book will resonate with this particular population, because it’s an important one. I do feel that that the Church needs to re-think some things, but that goes for the Church in Africa in general. The issues I write about in the book aren’t just ‘Nigerian’ issues.

Isang: I see. Now, the general view is that when a relationship breaks up, both parties are in some way responsible for the demise of the relationship. Looking back now, do you see anything that you could have done differently that would perhaps have made your marriage turn out differently?

rmj: That’s a tough question to do justice to because the things that lead to the demise of a marriage are oftentimes far too complex to dissect at one go. I suppose this is why I had to write a whole book! I could’ve done a lot of things differently. But if I could just choose two main things, firstly, I would have approached marriage with the understanding that although marrying a fellow believer is essential, it is definitely not sufficient. In our days, it was all about trying to avoid the ‘unequal yoke.’ I didn’t always do this successfully pre-marriage, and so when I did end up actually married to a believer, I thought I’d achieved an amazing feat. That’s all I’d been taught, after all. It didn’t occur to me to think about anything else, or consider other things that might be important for a marriage, such as the personality of your partner and how this lines up with yours (or doesn’t) – your partner’s general approach to life and how this lines up with yours (or doesn’t), etc. I grossly underestimated the importance of these practical factors, and honestly just assumed that our common profession of Christianity would be enough to carry us through.

Secondly, I should have trusted in my knowledge of myself during the pre-marriage phase of the relationship. At some point, I began to second-guess myself. For whatever reason, my confidence in the knowledge of who I was faltered during a certain phase of my life, and the worst time to get married is when you’re at your weakest as a person. But I find that, for many women, this is actually when they begin to think of marriage as a great idea. You’re feeling weak and you’re naturally looking for someone else to complement you with what you see as their strengths. It’s a natural reaction, I think, but not a wise one. It’s best to get married, I think, when you’re at your best and your strongest. You always make better choices at such times.

Isang: This is a follow-up to the last question. On page 219, you write, ‘I have learned that, even in staying, one must take action to create the life that one wants.’ What actions do you think women, and men of course, who are in unhappy marriages can take to create the life that they want?

rmj: I think they need to first of all admit to themselves that they feel the way they feel – whether the feeling is one of unhappiness, or something else. That seems simple, but it can be hard to do. And then, they need to confront the issues that result in their feeling that way. This can be scary for many people because it’s about ‘rocking the boat’ and not letting the proverbial sleeping dogs lie. It’s about going against what we’re usually socialized to do. But the truth is that ‘sleeping dogs’ are never really asleep. They always get up and bite in the end, anyway. So you might as well wake them up and deal head-on with what needs to be dealt with. What you’ll find is that, as frightening as it can sometimes be, it’s actually empowering to be proactive about your own life.

Isang: I’m quoting this sentence from page 63 of the book because I totally agree with it, and want people out there, especially the single ladies and guys to see it, and hopefully, think about it: ‘If the person you choose to marry is simply not a nice person, then their prayer warrior status, or ability to lead worship with anointing won’t change the fact that they’re not nice.’ Now to my question. You say, ‘I’m convinced that the only thing that makes people who have an easier time with marriage is ‘choosing well’ or ‘lucking out’ (page 62); that sounds like you do not believe in God’s guidance. How do you marry this stance with Proverbs 3: 5-7?

rmj: The chapter you’re referring to is about nothing if not God’s guidance, so I definitely do believe in it! However, the fact that I believe in it doesn’t mean that I always fully understand its workings. In the book, I write pretty openly about a number of things that I don’t fully understand – such as where God’s guidance and fortune begin and where ‘luck’ takes over, if at all. Let me give you an example of what I mean: If a plane full of devout Christians crashes, and only one of them survives, does God’s guidance play a role there? Some might argue that if the travelers had sought God’s guidance (and if they were fortunate enough to hear Him), they wouldn’t have gotten on the plane. Others might argue that the sole survivor was just plain ‘lucky.’ They were all serving the same God, after all, and accidents happen all the time. If an atheist has a great marriage, is that just plain old luck? And if a Christian has a difficult marriage, is it as a result of not allowing for God’s guidance – or is it just bad ‘luck’? Some of us will resolve these kinds of questions in our minds in different ways, and others (such as myself) might not resolve them at all. In this same chapter, I say the following: “As a Christian with the benefit of hindsight, I believe that we are required to take responsibility for ourselves, drawing on the wisdom and other resources God has already given us. Let’s not decide not to do our homework because we think God is our fall back plan, or because we think Christianity is our ‘crutch.’ Doing so usually results in our wallowing in bitterness and in our pulling away from God, convinced that He didn’t do what He could to protect us. … Oftentimes, the problem isn’t that we don’t have the skills to choose well; the problem is that we make our choice before we have taken the time and effort to know ourselves well enough.” So, do I believe in God’s guidance? Yes. Do I also believe that personal responsibility isn’t dissociated from His guidance? Yes.

Isang: In the chapter, ‘Without Crutches’, which by the way I think is quite empowering, you write, ‘It’s easier to just stay where I am. To just get by. To not dream again…’ Now, we know that you got up and pursued your dream of writing. What is your advice to the women and men who have let go of their dreams, and borrowing your words, allowed their ‘day-to-day life’s momentum to just carry them’ wherever? What practical steps can they take to achieve the dreams they once had?

rmj: Thanks, Isang; I’m glad you enjoyed that one. It’s hard to give practical advice in this case because every dream is so different and so personal. But if I could make a ‘blanket statement,’ I would say that if God has given you a dream, then He has given you the wherewithal to achieve it. It would be terrible for any of us to have to give account to God, and to only be able to say that we gave up or let go for reasons that God could have helped us overcome. I believe that we all have an innate desire to make a mark in this world, and that this desire is God-given. If we don’t do the things we should be doing (i.e., pursue our God-given dreams), then we’re no different from the unfaithful servant who buried his talent out of fear. There are no excuses for our not using what we’ve been given. That servant was told that he could’ve at least deposited the talent in the bank so it could earn some interest. So there’s no excuse; we can always work toward our goals, even if all we’re doing is taking baby steps. If I had ever even thought about writing a book, I would never have written one. All I did was write essays – I even hesitate to call them ‘chapters’ because they’re so short! But that’s all I did. And then, one day, I realized I had more than enough material for compiling a book. I hope that’s a practical enough example. Baby steps are good enough and will get you there.

Isang: Nena, one of the issues you’ve addressed in SW is the church’s insensitivity, lack of support, and stigmatization of women whose marriages have crashed, even though this was not your personal experience. From your experience, what do you think the church, or rather, well-meaning church members can do to demonstrate their love for, and support of women whose marriages are not intact?

rmj: They can start by getting their doctrine right. I think once this foundational issue is resolved, then everything else naturally flows from there. Doctrines are often culturally-driven, as you know. We can both review the same Scripture and come up with two totally different interpretations because of the cultural lenses through which we read them. But the clergy and other church leaders are obligated (and should be trained) to rise above that and teach others accordingly. As an example, the Bible clearly talks about the gift of singleness, but in my 43 years of life, I’ve never heard a single message on eternal singleness preached in an African church. This is not because we’re not aware of the Scriptures that dwell on this subject, though. It’s simply because the idea does not resonate for us at all, in a cultural sense. And so we simply skip over it, or brush it aside. It’s no different with divorce. Culturally, we can’t deal with it – not even with the Scriptures that talk about it. We gravitate only towards those Scriptures or interpretations that don’t startle us culturally, and so there’s quite a bit of imbalance there.

Isang: I couldn’t agree more. I would like to hear your perspective on women in abusive relationships. We hear and read all the time about women who are abused verbally, emotionally and physically by their spouses. How do you think women in abusive relationships can be helped?

rmj: My response to your previous question speaks to this one as well. Let’s get our doctrine right so that congregation members are taught right. And let’s not be afraid to confront tough issues in the Church. The most vibrant and life-changing churches today, in my opinion, are those that are dealing with the tough, practical issues in people’s lives, rather than just going through the motions of keeping a church going by having one lackluster service after the other. The Church really shouldn’t be a place where an abusive spouse (whether male or female) sits comfortably in the pews week after week without ever feeling the slightest bit of conviction about their abusive behavior – because there are enough Scriptures to reveal God’s mind about abuse. Whether we can see them or not with our socio-cultural blinders on is the question.

Isang: Right. My next question is a 3-in-1 q, and you can answer it in any order. (i)What do you do for sex?

Nena: This is going to be a long answer! This question is actually the title of one of the chapters in the book, so I address this issue in more detail there. It’s interesting that people ask me this question from time to time now, but before I ever got married, no one ever asked me this question (as if I didn’t have any sex drive at the time!). When I was married (and my spouse would be gone for months on end), no one ever asked, either. Somehow, there’s this assumption that the absence of sex isn’t an issue in those situations. But the truth is that it’s really not that different when you’re divorced. This fact alone is almost enough to help me have a reasonable perspective on the sex issue and not blow it all out of proportion.

Whether single, married (with an absentee spouse), or divorced, what are the alternatives really, as someone who professes Christianity? Take on a ‘friend with benefits’? Go sleep with someone else’s husband periodically? Masturbate from now till death, possibly? I honestly can’t think of any alternative that’s sustainable (or even palatable). I can’t think of any alternative that would truly satisfy, either, and let you feel good about yourself. I think what has helped me is the fact that I’m extremely analytical. This helps me put sex in its proper place and not magnify it unnecessarily. I don’t pretend, for instance, that all sexual experiences or encounters are necessarily good or earth-shattering. That wouldn’t be very objective. I don’t pretend, either, that when I could legitimately have sex, I always wanted to every single time. As with most other things in life, I’m quite introspective about this issue, and this helps to balance out my perspective. Sex certainly has its place, but no one will die without it – hahahaha! There’s also this ebb and flow associated with most women’s sex drives (or at least, with mine). So to approach this issue as if one feels sexual all the time is to deceive oneself.

The most practical thing I can think of that I do is to try and stay aware of what’s going on with my body. Because, as you know, this is a biological issue as well. At certain times of the month, hormonal issues simply impact libido, regardless of how serious you are about meditating on ‘whatsoever things are pure’ and ‘whatsoever things are lovely.’ I think we actually need to teach these things to our teenagers and young people. Since I’m aware of what comes with ovulation, I try to be alert. Sometimes, out of the blue, I’ll do something totally odd, like have this sudden, strong urge for having some dry Milo. Like a programmed robot, I’ll get a mug and put in 3 heaped teaspoonfuls and start licking the Milo contentedly, like if I’m in boarding school! I do this instinctively, like clockwork, once a month, except when my diet has been really good all month (then, I notice that I don’t get this craving at all). When this happens, it’s a sign that I’m experiencing some hormonal fluctuations, and my body is beginning to crave sweets, and I need to prepare for the fact that my thoughts may begin to go haywire, too, if I don’t stay alert. I also need to watch my diet so I feel better physically and emotionally. Too many sweets at this time lower my mood, so I have to watch it. I suspect they also potentially open me up to sexual vulnerabilities, so I watch out. During this time, I can start to make mountains out of molehills, if I’m not careful and watchful. So basically, although we tend to focus mainly on the spiritual when it comes to these matters, I’m convinced that we’re shooting ourselves in the foot by not taking the physical into account.

I’m not knocking the spiritual, though, because I definitely do pray about these things as well. How else do we bring the flesh under? I tell God that I truly want to please Him, and that He should give me a heart to do so, because, the truth is, I can’t do it without Him. When I haven’t done as well as I think I should have, I go to Him and own up and ask for continued grace for the journey. Lastly, like most Christians, I have a half a million checks and balances in my life. Between church attendance and responsibilities, teaching Sunday School, leading Bible studies, and the like, and having church folks ‘all up in my business,’ let’s just say there’s limited room for any hanky-panky – lol! Plus, I’m a single mom with a ridiculously busy career. There’s simply not enough time in the day; I don’t get enough sleep as it is. I think even the devil has figured that out by this point!

(ii) Any plans to remarry?

rmj: I think of a ‘plan’ as being pretty intentional – perhaps even involving a series of steps that you’ve mapped out to get you somewhere. When it comes to remarrying, I have no plans in this sense. I’m totally ‘plan-less’ and I see myself as a blank slate. I feel like if I’m sort of living my life in reverse, actually. What I mean is that, before I got married, I don’t recall spending nearly enough time savoring my singleness. My life was always ‘on hold,’ so to speak, in anticipation of things only really kicking off whenever I got married. I now see just how tragic that was because there’s something to be treasured in every status – whether married, single, or whatever’s in between. So if I do have a ‘plan’ for now, it’s all about appreciating and valuing where I am presently – just savoring the peace and serenity and stability that I have in my life right now, and the fact that the only decisions or actions in this world that can impact me negatively right now are my own. I’m not averse to the idea of remarrying, though – don’t get me wrong. I just understand that, at this stage of my life, it would raise all kinds of complexities, and I’m just happy that I’m now able to treasure my singleness enough to know that I have a really good thing going on, and that any other ‘offers’ have really got to be ones that I absolutely can’t refuse in order for me to even consider them.

(iii) You are a young, attractive and successful female; how do you ward off unwanted suitors?

rmj: First of all, thank you for the compliment, Isang. You’d think I would get approached more, with all the trips I have to go on for work, and all the meetings I have to attend! But I honestly don’t! I think I just have that ‘married’ look – hahaha! A friend of mine calls it my ‘proposal-writing face’ – a face that says, ‘I’m here for work and nothing else.’ So maybe I’m just unconsciously warding off suitors before they even make a move – haha.

Isang: Now to my final question: what marriage advice or tip do you have for single guys and ladies? I know you’ve written a lot about marriage in SW, but not everybody will get the opportunity to read the book. What is the one thing that you would like all unmarried people to know before they say ‘I do’?

rmj: The one thing I would like all unmarried people to know before they get married is: themselves. I’m convinced that one of the most spiritual things anyone can do in general is to know him/herself. Take the time to figure out exactly who you are because it helps in weeding out the wrong people for you. Knowing yourself also helps you grow spiritually (which is good preparation for marriage), as the Word of God is meant to be applied to your own life. And if you don’t know who you are, then a lot of your Scripture reading and mediation is nothing more than a nice exercise that’s much less beneficial than it should be.

Here at last

The book is finally available online, here.

As you may know by now, my younger sister (let me call her Sister 3) is my publisher. I’m at Sister 2’s place this weekend, so Sister 3 sent me a proof copy of the book to look at (via Sister 2's address) and give my approval. I spent yesterday reviewing it and was happy with it, so she has made it available on the internet.

I realize that this might be a barrier for those of us based in African countries, so I also plan to print copies in Kenya. I understand that the use of Kindle is pretty popular in Nigeria, so we'll experiment with that as well, in addition to trying to make a few hard copies available. 

It has been quite a journey. Many of you will remember that I really expected this book to be out by around January 2013. January 2013 turned to September 2013, then to December 2013, then to the first quarter of 2014 … You get the picture.

When a lightbulb finally went off for me and I asked Sister 3 if her company (Story She Wrote Media) would be interested in publishing the book for me, we were already in 2015.   

The process of working with my sister to get this book out has been really interesting. We have quarreled, laughed half to death, ‘kept malice’ temporarily, made up, bickered, and made up again. It’s been absolutely hilarious! You think you know your sister, and you do – but if you’ve never actually worked with your sister professionally, then there’s a side of your sister that you do not know at all. I’m sure I’m describing not just my experience here, but hers as well. I don’t think Sister 3 was prepared for the fact that I’m so detail-oriented when it comes to certain things. I can understand her unpreparedness because, when it comes to most things in life, I’m one of the most laid-back people you’ll ever meet. I’m not big on formalities or even too much structure. But with certain things (with my work, specifically), I can be pretty anal. That’s one area in which the Melancholic, perfectionist side of my Phlegmatic-Melancholic self emerges – and it’s not pretty.

I obsessed over the font style and size, over the chapter embellishments (which Sister 3 said no one would notice, anyway – and she’s probably right), over the formatting, over the BOOK COVER. I remember reading a blog post (?) by Abidemi Sanusi in which she mentioned that no author is ever really satisfied with their final book cover (or something like that). I now fully understand what she meant. I had the ‘perfect’ book cover in mind, and despite detailed descriptions and several iterations, I never quite felt like the book cover designer really ‘got’ it. I stopped obsessing when Sister 3 mentioned that I could either have a book cover that makes potential book-buyers think it’s a ‘Mountain of Fire’ prayer book (not quite what I was going for, though prayer is important!), or I could have a book cover that a wider variety of potential book-buyers will actually look at a second time, pick up, and hopefully buy. My initial thought was that the final version of the book cover didn’t look ‘serious’ enough, and was therefore sort of misleading and didn’t really represent the ‘essence’ of what the book is about (bla-bla-bla). Sister 3 couldn’t disagree more. (Now you see why she published one book a year ago, and has another one pretty much done, while it’s taken me years to churn one out). Over time, I made my peace with it. I was mentally exhausted and just wanted to get things over with at first. Eventually, the cover sort of grew on me and I was able to accept it without judgement. Let me know what you think – seriously.

As I keep saying, sometimes things don’t go as planned. But, so what? I’m learning (not just through this book journey, but through so many other events that have occurred in my life) not to get caught up in the perfect ‘plan.’ The bottom line is that there is always a usually unseen ‘Plan’ that remains consistent, just as the Planner intended. So, when the perfect ‘plan’ doesn’t quite pan out, I’m getting much better at not being discouraged. But rather, doing all that I can do with what I’ve got.

This train of thought has led me to go back and read several different versions of Ecclesiastes 11:1-6. I’ll only share The Living Bible version with you, though. Here it is:

Give generously, for your gifts will return to you later. Divide your gifts among many, for in the days ahead you yourself may need much help. When the clouds are heavy, the rains come down; when a tree falls, whether south or north, the die is cast, for there it lies. If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. God’s ways are as mysterious as the pathway of the wind and as the manner in which a human spirit is infused into the little body of a baby while it is yet in its mother’s womb. Keep on sowing your seed, for you never know which will grow – perhaps it all will.

Perhaps!

As for the contents of the book, I’ve mentioned before that the book is simply made up of most of the blogposts from 2012 and a few from 2013, most of which are no longer available on the blog. Quite a number of the posts/essays have been enhanced a bit, based on advice from the structural editor.

Thank you to all the rmj blog readers for reading all this while, and for putting up with my lengthy periods of silence. Do spread the word however you can. You probably know of a few women who would find Strange Women useful – a few men, too! Please point them to it.

Thank you, C. C. Adetula of Story She Wrote Media. I’m proud of you and blessed to have been able to work with you.

Warmest,

rmj

Across continents

This took much longer than anticipated – apologies. Technical difficulties. In the process of editing the original video and dividing it up into several parts, we lost Part IV – the final session. Not to be deterred, we did it all over again – this time, across continents and via Skype. It’s not flawless, but we have our Part IV! [Watch here.]

Trying to figure out how to record a Skype video call was too much wahala for both of us, so we had my son figure it out and then do the editing. The image is blurry on my sister’s end for the first few minutes, but it eventually clears up.

In this final part of the YouTube series, I ask my sister a few more questions. AND, I end with a surprise for Nairobi-based viewers: If you live in Nairobi and would like to receive a free copy of C.C. Adetula’s book, The Perfect Girl, The Prostitute, and Other Stories, send me an email at nenandioma@gmail.com. I only have two copies left, so the first two people to email me will get them as soon as possible.

Have a good evening!

Almost done

I promise not to turn the blog into a video blog! The YouTube series based on The Perfect Girl and Strange Women is almost over. We have one more clip to go. I hope you can take the time to watch Part Three in the meantime.

Thanks for stopping by.

Questions I asked my sister

So, here are a few questions that I had for C.C. Adetula, the author of The Perfect Girl, The Prostitute, and Other Stories. It's Part II of a 3 or 4 part YouTube series. I hope I asked good questions!

As I mentioned in the previous post, there were several funny interruptions which I can now see that my sister managed to edit out. A huge bee flew into the room and we started screaming and running all over the place. Then, my brother-in-law (who was having a catnap right outside the room) suddenly woke up and wandered in. We finished the rest of the interview with him continuing his nap in the same room. I hope it's not too obvious. Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment box.

Questions my sister asked me

My sister published a really interesting collection of short stories not too long ago, and has done a number of YouTube videos that involve her responding to questions that readers had for her about her book.

Her videos inspired me to ask her a question one day while we were talking about Strange Women: 'Hey, wouldn't it be interesting if you interviewed me?'

'Let's interview each other,' she said, without missing a beat.

I thought this was an even better idea. We agreed that we'd independently come up with 10 questions for each other and then do a YouTube interview. I came up with mine over several hours on a weekend, in between cooking and packing for a trip. She came up with hers in literally two minutes. It's amazing how God created us all so differently. (She writes fiction, by the way, and I've never really had the guts to try that genre).

We started out interviewing each other, and then realized the recorder wasn't even on (lol)! So, we started again. There were some interruptions, and then we realized we had no idea how to edit the recording. When we were done, we couldn't figure out how to get it to upload properly. It took about 3 days to finish doing so! Somehow, she managed to make something out of it.

I wondered if the questions we had for each other were along the lines of what others might want to ask - or if we'd totally missed the mark. You be the judge. There will eventually be a Google hang-out (or perhaps even more YouTube videos) which will involve responding to questions from actual readers.

In the meantime, here's Part I of the 'sister interview.'

Twists and turns

Somehow or another, this book will appear this year. We're getting closer, and this video is proof (sort of). Hope you enjoy it. If you do, let me know (so I can let my sister know - she did all the work!).

To give a teeny bit of background, my little sister's company is publishing the book. We haven't collaborated on a project in forever, so this is a fun learning experience for both of us. This video is sort of like Step One along this path. Join us on this journey!

Movin’ on

Sometimes things don’t go as planned. Accept it and move on.

I said this to myself (in a blog post) almost exactly a year ago. Today, I had to go back and read that blog post to find out if these words of wisdom are still applicable. I find that they are, even though I’m now applying them to a very different situation.

It’s been so long that I had to rummage through the blog to verify the dates, but as far back as February 8, 2014, I talked about how Strange Women (a book based on the rmj blog) was going to be released that same year. This came so close to happening (or, so I thought) that I could taste it. But as time went by and 2014 turned into 2015, I realized that, for a variety of complex reasons, it simply wasn’t going to happen – or, at least not in the way that I had originally envisioned it.

Despite the two different situations to which I’ve had to apply this nugget of wisdom (‘Sometimes things don’t go as planned …’), as I write this, it has occurred to me that the initial feelings are often the same when your plans don’t work out exactly how you thought they should/would. Whether it’s about the end of a marriage or of some other closely-held dream, the initial incomprehension, shock, and befuddlement are quite similar in character, if not in degree.

But, here’s what I’ve learned:

That’s life.

Deal with it.

Get over it.

Move on.

Despite the twists and turns, and although this new decision was brought about by an unanticipated turn of events, I’m brimming with excitement about the new direction I’m taking with publishing the book. There’s no way this new direction could’ve been paved without my deciding to simply ‘move on.’ Once I did, I began to see all sorts of possibilities. Actual details will be emerging in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, as painful as it is for me, I’ve finally started taking down a certain proportion of the blog content as it will be made available in the book.

Stay tuned.

Too much sugar

Something my very close friend said to me this morning. We weren't talking about marriage, actually; it just sort of came out of the blue. It was so striking that I asked her say it again (so I could type it up). I want to remember it.

After I posted this the first time, she went on to say (via email):

'I hope the comment makes sense to readers and helps them to understand that 'wholesome love' (if there's such a phrase) DEMANDS and insists on responsible behavior and accountability from one's partner. This kind of love does not avoid difficult conversations, but in a mature manner, brings up and addresses issues (be they on sex, money, in-laws, or whatever), rather than ignore them with the hope that they will somehow disappear over time. Ignoring stuff does not make the stuff disappear; it only hurts us, and weakens the cord of love and trust in the relationship. Wholesome love is not afraid to insist on being shown love and admiration, and being treated with respect and dignity. Of course, this love is also giving and caring. I'm sure you get what I mean. We must love and treat our spouse right, but we must also DEMAND the same from them, and we should never shy away from bringing up issues that bother us.'

Tall, dark, and handy

I got back from a trip a few weeks ago and stood outside the airport, waiting for my favorite cabbie to pick me up. He pulled up a few minutes later. In my car.

I got in, slightly puzzled, slightly amused.

‘Sorry,’ he said, laughing at my expression. ‘My car developed a problem at the last minute, so I decided not to risk using it to pick you up.’

‘Oh.’

I sat in the passenger’s seat in the front. It felt really odd because whenever I’m in my car, I’m in the driver’s seat. So this is what it feels like to sit on this side of my car, I thought to myself. It felt uncomfortable and horrible. To me, anyway. I suddenly began noticing all my car’s faults. They just seemed more visible sitting on the other side.

‘This car is really beginning to irritate me,’ I said out loud.

Poor thing. It turns 16 this year (like my son), and I bought it ‘gently-used’ a decade ago. How can it be 10 years ago, though? Where has the time gone?

It never lets me down. Then again, I hardly ever drive. I hate driving. I tell myself that my cab rides are my one luxury. (And my gym membership. Oh, yeah.). I hardly ever need to get it fixed. It’s solid. But old. And this year, it’s begun to look really old on the inside. It hardly cost anything and has more than served out its time, given what I paid for it. I thank God for it. Some of my friends have lovingly yabbed me over the years about my holding on to it, and I’ve always laughed it off, saying it was serving me well. But the wear and tear of age has taken its toll. One of my friends refers to it as ‘Grandma.’

I heaved a world-weary sigh.

I need a husband.

I sat with this thought for a while on my way home, suddenly intrigued by it.

Now, that’s an interesting thought. I don’t see the correlation, though. I think what you actually need right now is a new car.

Yeah, but if I had a husband, I wouldn’t need to bother having to think about one more thing. I don’t have any more room in my mind for anything new. He could just handle it and I could focus on a million other things.

My mind went back to how my car became my car in the first place. Back when we were married, my ex-husband made importing the car his personal project (much to my relief). He spent weeks doing his research and finally settled on a BMW. With all the car-jackings in this capital city, he figured I would need a reliable car that no one would want to steal. He was hardly ever around and wanted to be sure we’d be safe. ‘No one would want to steal a BMW in Nairobi,’ he explained. Apparently, car-jackers are only interested in Toyotas and Hondas (or at least they were in 2004). That sounded great to me. I think my involvement in this process (apart from footing the bill) boiled down to approving the color, and I was quite satisfied with that tiny role. How the car got from Japan to Kenya is beyond me, although I have all the paperwork in my possession.

Okay, so do you need a husband, or do you need a car broker?

Well, what’s wrong with having both?

Nothing! I’m just asking you what you ‘need’ right now.

Oh. … Well, in that case, the truth is, I know what to do in order to import a car. I may not know all the little details, but I know lots of people that would be happy to give me pointers and help me find a good deal. I guess I was just fatigued because I just got off a plane and so I started making mountains out of molehills.

Okay, good. So, back to the husband thing. If you ‘need’ a husband, then why have you been dodging your friends who’ve been trying to hook you up with eligible, ‘forty-something’ bachelors?

‘Dodging’ is a strong word. I haven’t exactly been dodging. I’m just being cautious and trying to make up my mind about what I want and what’s best before taking on any new responsibilities. A relationship is a huge responsibility.

Okay, so stop deceiving yourself, then. You need a new car and you’re not a two-year old. You know how to get one. No one ever said a husband was a pre-requisite. So, do what you need to do.

You’re SO annoying. Hush!

That settles it. Next year, God willing, I’m upgrading my car.

Don’t steal from yourself (Lesson #10)

Don’t let your desire for improvement rob you of pride in small victories. 

  

Yeah. Like my desire for improvement in terms of ACTUAL WEIGHT LOSS!!!

I may be wrong, but I suspect you have to be on a weight loss journey yourself to really grasp how easy it is to lose sight of your small victories when the scale refuses to budge. I mean, I’ve been investing time and energy into something that doesn’t exactly come naturally to me. It’s been six months now. About an hour a day, three days a week without fail – except for a day here or there when I have to travel. I have gone from getting practically no (really vigorous) exercise at all to structured, planned workouts with a trainer. Why I’m not skinny by now is beyond me (lol).

Yeah-yeah-yeah. I know, I know, I know:

You spent more than 6 months putting it on, so don’t expect it to come that fast.

It’s all about calories in versus calories out.

Weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise.

You can’t outrun (or, in my case, outjog) your mouth.

This is a lifestyle change, not a quick fix. Give it at least a year or two.

Just keep doing things the healthy way. It may take longer, but it’ll stay off longer, too.

Yada-yada-yada. Whatever. I get it.

I know exactly how I put on the weight, and how long it took to do so. I was there.

But when the scale doesn’t budge (or when things don’t ‘change’ in general) when you’re at least trying, there’s a strong temptation to begin to question the utility of regular, vigorous ANYTHING.

How much better off am I now than before? I’m sure my routine is doing all sorts of wonderful stuff that I can’t ‘see.’ Wonderful stuff for my heart, etc., etc. And, to be honest, I got a gym membership primarily for those kinds of reasons. I needed to do something very deliberate in order to cope with the stress levels that are just part of the life of a busy, harassed, single parent, ‘reluctant’ career woman with a relatively active church life. I have no regrets about joining a gym; it was a great decision. But vanity is taking over and I’m like, ‘Wait a minute. It’d be nice to actually LOSE some weight, tool! How am I not losing weight? How is that even possible?’

You’re gaining muscle. This is a good thing. Muscle weighs more than fat, though, so it may take a while before the changes reflect on the scale.

You’re losing fat. A pound of muscle looks better than a pound of fat.

You’ll gain before you lose.

Blah-blah-blah. Yada-yadi-yada.

When did these theories emerge? And are they only for women in their 40s??? There was a time when if I wanted to lose weight, all I had to do was want to, and I’d lose it. What did a pound of this and that have to do with it back then?

Well, you were probably just one of those ‘skinny fat’ people who aren’t actually healthy.

(Well, ‘skinny fat’ people sure do look good.)

The danger with having these arguments with myself is that they are compelling enough to potentially make me fall off the bandwagon.  But I have a number of small victories to take pride in, and I’m not going to let my thoughts steal those away.

My sisters, trainer, friends, enemies, and acquaintances alike have all tried to break down the ‘muscle vs. fat’ thing for me like I’m a two year-old. They’ve tried many times. My brain has simply been unable to fully grasp the concept. Just when I think I’ve got it, I’ve lost it. However, I’m not so dumb that I don’t sort of think they have a point.

My clothes all fit better. Much better. As a matter of fact, I’m now able to wear some things that I’d long abandoned or forgotten about. I bought a black skirt and a couple of blouses 3 years ago – all really cute and really tight at the same time. I didn’t realize until after the fact that they’d all been cut rather small. I never wore them until this year. On a whim, I tried them on just a few weeks ago and they all fit! The skirt is actually so loose that it rotates around my waist during the day without my realizing it. How I am able to slip on that skirt is still the 9^th wonder of the world to me. How could this possibly happen without MAJOR weight loss? I really don’t get it.

I always thought this particular skirt was too short. Now that I can get into it, I’m shocked to find that it’s actually a midi-skirt and really comfortable, too.

Sometimes these days, when I walk past a mirror, I stop and came back to the mirror in surprise: Does my face look thinner, or is it just my imagination? Nah … I must be imagining things …

But a few people (and I really mean just a few) feel like something’s different, too. A couple have actually gone so far as to say the magic words: ‘You look smaller.’ These have been people from out of town who rarely see me, so I have to believe them.

The most convincing incident for me to date, though (besides the black skirt) has been the few pictures I’ve taken of myself with my terribly outdated cell phone which everyone (including my kids) has begged me to get rid of. My sisters were so impressed that I actually took some pictures. One of them emailed, saying, ‘Ah-ah – even bathroom selfies? Well done!’ Anyway, my point was that the same week I shared these pictures with them, my workplace did some sort of publicity event and one of their related publications had my picture on it. They hadn’t asked me for a picture to use (which is great, since I wouldn’t have had any to give!), but they just used one taken at the office last year. My other sister emailed me about it, saying: ‘You look like a linebacker’ – hahahahaha! (She’s so mean, but she wasn’t lying.)

They all remarked, though, that I’d clearly lost weight, comparing my ‘pro footballer’ photo to my ‘bathroom selfies.’ Even I had to admit that there’s a big (no pun intended) difference.

I HAVEN’T REALLY LOST WEIGHT, THOUGH.

Not according to the scale, anyway. Not really.

Does it matter, though? I’m sure I will lose weight. Eventually. (Whenever that is).

What matters more, though – my hang-up, or the fact that there is a change, that there is progress?

Is there any reason why ‘progress’ can’t be re-defined? I’ve learned to be open-minded about progress in other areas of my life and have found it so liberating and productive: with projects at work, with my children, certainly with my divorce. Why not just grant myself this same privilege? Why rob myself of the privileges I have freely given other people and other things? The privileges of flexibility, patience, and of just trying to see the best … or of trying to see the ‘bigger’ picture.

Don’t postpone happiness (Lesson #9)

Happiness shouldn’t be put on hold until you cross the finish line. Enjoy as much as you can along the way, even when the going gets tough.

Be happy now. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect before I can release myself to just be happy. After all … what if this is all there is? What if today, or this year, is all I’ve got? Why not be happy with what I’ve got, while I work towards whatever else I might want? And as I work towards that, why not just be happy while going through the process?

We all know of far too many people whose lives were cut short when they and those around them least expected it. I have friends and acquaintances who succumbed to cancer, or to injuries from road accidents, for instance. A University classmate of mine was killed during one of the bombings in Abuja a few years ago. His office building happened to be a target and he didn’t make it out alive. Another classmate of mine (primary and secondary school) recently lost her husband. He was so young and now she’s a widow with five kids.

When I think of all these things, it just seems like sheer folly not to appreciate the time that I have, and not to at least try to happily use it to the fullest – even when the going gets tough.

I’m going to try hard not to put happiness off until I’ve crossed the finish line. Where is the finish line, anyway? In my experience, it’s a moving target. If that is indeed the case, it means I’ll never experience true happiness on this earth if I wait to get to a particular place first.

We’re admonished to ‘count it all joy’ when things get rough. Because of some of the rough times I’ve been through, and the fact that I made it through them, my heart no longer sinks when I read that Bible verse. I really get it now. I had some really rough times in 2012 and 2013. But because of those times, I’m much stronger in faith in 2014 than I was back then. I’ve been tested and tried and knocked down, and as a result of those experiences, I’ve also had the opportunity to experience great mercy. I know what God is capable of! My 2012 and 2013 experiences enriched my knowledge in this area. I’ve observed that I worry less in 2014 than I did before. I pray with more certainty, too. Never could’ve happened without those tough times to help me flex my muscles.

‘Things aren’t as bad as they seem.’

My son sent me a text with those exact words early this year. He was feeling down about a bad grade he got on a test, so he went into the bathroom at school to be alone and get over it and sent me the text from there. I sent what I hope was an encouraging reply, but didn’t hear back from him right away. I said something to the effect of, ‘Don’t worry about it. It’s one test and there’ll be others. You still have some time to make up your grade.’ A couple of hours later, a philosophical text message from him came in: Things aren’t as bad as they seem.  

Indeed, they are not. Here’s an example of why I know this for sure: I have never been one to take a lot of pictures because I’ve always considered myself unphotogenic. I’m just one of those people who look much better in person than in pictures. What this means is that there are whole periods of my life that have gone undocumented, photo-wise. Here’s why this is a shame: Today, when I look back at the old pictures I do have, I realize that in previous years, I had a distorted view of what I really looked like. I look at some of those pictures now and see myself as I really was back then. I look at them today and think to myself: Wow, I was pretty and I didn’t even know it.

On my fortieth birthday, the youth group in my church put together a cute, touching video chronicling my short life. They got my old pictures behind my back and showcased some of them in the video. A couple of the pictures were taken when I was around the same age as my daughter. When those showed up on the screen, my birthday party guests let out a collective gasp. ‘Who is that?!’ they all wanted to know. ‘Is that your daughter?’ They argued amongst themselves that it couldn’t possibly be me, because it looked just like my daughter.

‘That’s me,’ I replied slowly, with the same wonderment, suddenly struck by how my daughter looks almost exactly like me at that age. I always knew she looked a lot like my family, but this was really striking, seeing my picture up on a screen. I’m like every other mom in the world who thinks her children are just beautiful (There’s nothing you can tell me O!).

Why I couldn’t see that same beauty in me over the years is beyond me.

Going off on a bit of a tangent here, but why can’t I just be who or what I want to be today, knowing that who or what I am is enough? When people tell you how wonderful you are today, believe them. Today. And be happy. Today.

Back to the main point: I’ve worked relatively hard over the last 5 months or so, considering that I’ve never been into vigorous exercise in my adult life. I thought by now I’d see a major difference with all the effort I’ve put in so far. For whatever reason, I don’t see it. Okay, I do see it, but only ever so slightly. A few other people see it, too. I’m not going to let the fact that I don’t yet see exactly what I expected to see affect my joy, though, or my resolve. I haven’t been too good at ‘seeing things’ in my life until long after the fact, anyway, so why not just be happy now? And then in my 50s, look back at my pictures in my 40s and say, ‘I sure was happy!’ And: ‘I sure was nice and fit! Those work-outs really paid off!’

Today is much better than we think with our limited vision. Things are much better than they seem.

My brothers and sisters, be very happy when you are tested in different ways. You know that such testing of your faith produces endurance. Endure until your testing is over. Then you will be mature and complete, and you won’t need anything (James 1:2-4, GW).

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing (James 1:2-4, NLT).

When you want to quit, don’t (Lesson #8)

When you're going uphill and you want to quit, don’t. Move slower if you have to, but keep going. You will get there.

‘The miracle of continuing.’

This is the phrase that came to me this morning as I thought about Lesson #8. I looked up the word ‘continue,’ which means to ‘persist in an activity or process’ or to ‘recommence or resume after an interruption.’

Essentially, the pace doesn’t matter, as long as the persistence doesn’t wane. And even if it does wane, as long as there is life, there’s always a chance to start off from where you stopped. There is something to be said for just hanging in there.

I can’t help but notice how amazed people are when they see my children after a long time.  One such woman (a married lady) remarked about this publicly at a get-together we both attended; then she pulled me to the side and whispered (almost conspiratorially): Well done!

Her hushed, conspiratorial tone made me laugh, and I understood those two, simple words perfectly: Well done with managing to do this on your own, she meant. ‘They’ thought you would roll over and die, but you’ve ‘shown’ them.

I get this a lot. What people don’t realize, though, is that I have no idea what I’m doing. Like any other parent (whether coupled or single), I have no explicit manual to help me figure out how to raise each of my very different children. This has far less to do with me than people realize. Over the years, I have just done what I could each day, keenly aware of my deficiencies and imperfections. And then one day, I woke up and I had a teenager as tall as me and a seven-year old who looks at least 10. How did they grow up this fast? Certainly not through any miracle that I’ve performed.

With my children, there has never been any question that I would make it to the end with them, no matter what. Even when I can’t see the path that lies ahead of us clearly. When it comes to them, I have what I would describe as a supernatural resolve and determination. Whatever it is, we’ll work it out, we’ll find a way. I will leave no stone unturned to find a solution. And God has truly been faithful.

I’ve wanted to quit many times when it comes to other things, though. Many times, I’ve wanted to take what seemed like an ‘easier’ route on the surface. But I look back and see that I’ve made it through these challenges, not necessarily by doing anything brave or dramatic, but simply by keeping at it – by just getting through my day. Seven days make a week. Do that 52 times, and the year is gone. To others, it may look like much more than that is involved – and sometimes, this is absolutely the case – but overall, it’s about sticking with it and refusing to give in to anything but what God Himself has for you.

There is a miracle in just continuing. Go, go, go – keep going! You’ll get there. 

Sometimes things don’t go as planned (Lesson #7)

Sometimes things don’t go as planned. Accept it and move on.

This is not the life I planned for myself. Ultimately, it’s a good life (thanks be to God), but in regard to marriage, let’s just say that things did not go according to plan.

Behind these two simple sentences lies a colossal and complex network of emotions that I would rather not have had to deal with. I still have to deal with it on occasion, even though I wish I didn’t have to.

I don’t have my white picket fence. Now, given that I dreamt of having this ‘fence’ my whole life, practically, it’s a really hard dream to reconstruct. I could go on and on about the fact that even when I thought I had my nice white picket fence, I actually didn’t (as I know now). But my aim today isn’t to pit my former married life against my current divorced life to try and figure out which was/is more virtuous.

My aim is to simply say that things just don’t go as planned sometimes. For whatever reason.  The bottom line is that, at some point, one needs to move on. This is impossible to do, though, without first accepting the fact that life just happens sometimes. Happens to the best of us.

This post isn’t about what ‘accepting’ it means, either, because acceptance will play out differently for each person. For some, it might mean the end of a marriage; for others, it might mean a new beginning within a troubled marriage. And for some, it might mean something else.

The point is to get moving. Fight your darndest not to get stuck in a rut of bitterness and inertia. Move on.

It’s the difference between being a running brook and a stagnant pool. After this occurred to me, I did a minute of quick and dirty research on the difference between these two kinds of water bodies. Stagnant water provides a better incubator for bacteria and parasites (contaminated as it usually is with feces and other stuff – ewww …). In running water, fish can simply wait for their food to be delivered (through the movement of the water), while in stagnant water, the fish need to go in search for their food. Moving water absorbs more oxygen than stagnant water, and attracts fewer insects.

I’ll take the running brook any day.

When you feel like you can’t go on, you can (Lesson #6)

Often, thinking you can't go on any longer is an illusion. You often can.

Yes, you can. You’re almost there. You can do it. It’s ALL IN YOUR MIND: Your legs aren’t hurting anymore and you’re breathing comfortably. So, what’s your excuse, really? Why not just go on until the end? It doesn’t even hurt anymore; it’s just a little inconvenient, that’s all. You’ll feel so good at the end.

This is how I had to psyche myself this morning as I jogged for 30-minutes non-stop for the second time in my life. This is how I’ve had to psyche myself in the past when I was only jogging for 15 or 20 minutes. I seem to have to do this every time I get on the treadmill, frankly.

I can do so much more than I think I can. A part of me knows that for sure. Still, another part of me isn’t so confident about this all the time. But since I want to be able to jog regularly for a certain amount of time, I try to just keep going, even when my mind tells me I can’t.

It’s really remarkable, this battle between the mind and everything else. I tell myself that I just need to train/re-train my mind. Thinking I can’t jog for up to 30 minutes is simply not rational, given that I’ve done it before. Plus, I’ve been jogging for up to 20 minutes non-stop for what seems like forever now, so adding on an extra 10 minutes really isn’t that bad. The idea that I can’t do it again this week is a complete illusion. Of course, I can! But the mind plays tricks on one if one lets it.

At church, we once had a pastor talk about ‘The Battle of the Middle’ (I think that was the title of the sermon). One of the things she said that stayed with me was that we’re often tempted to go back to where we came from once we’ve reached the middle of our journey. We feel like we can’t possibly cover any more ground. What we tend to forget, though, is that it takes the same amount of energy, will-power, resources, etc., to go all the way back as it does to go forward and get to the end! I’ve never forgotten that. Why not just move ahead, then?

One of the things that help me when I want to give up (in jogging and in life) is prayer. This morning, for instance, I prayed for the first 15 minutes of the jog. For some reason, it really seems to make the time go by so much faster. I have a half a million different prayer points, and so I find that praying is an easy way to plough through 15-20 minutes. The concentration it requires helps keep my eyes off of how much further I have to go.

In my life in general, I have a lot of good days as well as my share of ‘bad’ days when I feel like hibernating for a season and not having to face the world – times when I feel like I’m fighting The Battle of the Middle. Because I have a pretty even-keeled personality, I always have this need to figure out what triggered my mood change when this does happen. More often than not, it’s nothing more than the fact that it’s that time of the month when I get cranky, start to feel all hormonal, and molehills start to seem like mountains. Sometimes, though, I’m simply having a less-than-stellar day due to something that occurred recently. Stuff happens. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to get out of bed. But once I do and my activity-filled day begins, that desire completely dissipates. Sometimes, the enormity of the responsibilities I carry weighs on me. I get home after a hard day’s work and feel like I don’t have anything else to give. I am totally spent and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it all up. But a good night’s sleep works absolute miracles (at least for me). My experience has been that no matter what happened the day before, everything seems better in the morning.

I suppose in some ways, I’m ‘in the middle’ when it comes to my divorce. While there’s no temptation to head back to where I came from, there is a temptation sometimes to just hang around in one spot and be passive about moving even further ahead. But deep down inside, I know there’s no way I can give up. What for? Everything looks better in the morning.

Yes, you can! You can do it. You’re doing it. You’ve done it forever and you’ve always done it well. It’s ALL IN YOUR MIND: You have years of experience doing this. The only difference is that you’re not married anymore. So why not just go on until the end? It hardly even hurts that much anymore; it’s just inconvenient sometimes, that’s all. You’ll feel so good at the end …

p.s. – Forgot to mention that I skipped Lesson #5 as I had nothing to say.